Safety first!
There are things that can keep you safe while driving while fat. Fasten that seat belt! Yeah yeah yeah I know that it can take a lot of effort but the cops target us fatlings because they know we are often too lazy to buckle up. Even though it is a lot of effort to reach around and grab that seat belt and shoulder harness, getting a ticket and paying a fine is even worse.
Seat belt extenders
If you are fat enough to require a seat belt extender chances are you are on disability. The cost could be covered by your disability insurance. Having a seat belt extender not only says you're fat, it says you're damn fat! Wear it proudly!
You're big so drive big! Ride in style!
Nothing says fattitude more than a Cadillac Escalade. This greedy gas guzzling road hog demands respect and so do you. Let your ride be an extension of your fattitude. A big car will keep you safe!
Fat Driving Etiquette
Because your gas guzzler in an extension of your fattitude, think of it as your royal chariot. Drive like royalty! Use that handicap parking space. It's your birth right. YOU ARE FAT!
It's OK to double park. You probably won't get a ticket and if you have a leanling with you simple drop them off a circle the block until the fetch what you need.
Let the Prius driving leanlings drive defensively. You are driving a tank. Let them think, "Drive defensively, watch out for the other guy" while you think, "Drive offensively, make the other guy watch out for you!"
Eat While Driving.
Today's cars are fairly well equipped for eating in but there could be some improvement. I, Fat Bastard, frequent Sonic Drive Inns because you don't have to lean to get your food at the take out window. Instead a sexy thinling on roller skates delivers your food right to our car. How cool is that.
Some fatlings like to remain parked when they pig out not me. I like to cruise and chow down. Proud FA has installed a food claw in my Yukon. The claw is on a swing arm and it sits in front of me and I am able to eat many foods hands free. Proud has applied for a patent.
During the cooler months keep a stash of goodies in your car. I like peanuts and chips. They keep well.
Don't let mobility issues keep you from being a road warrior!
There is a good chance that you can talk your fat friendly doctor into getting you one of these bad boys. Think of the van as the mother ship and think of your scooter as a star fighter and think of yourself as a Jedi warrior while in the scooter and Jabba the Hut when in the van.
Hot hefty hunny heading for her road hog!
I notice the lady in the very last photo at the bottom with the really fat neck wearing the hair curlers.
ReplyDeleteWe do need to take some pride in our outward appearance when out in public.
For example:
I shower every day before I go out, and I wear clean clothes.
I don't like wearing long pants, especially during hot weather, so I only wear short pants, and I just wear colored T shirts. I really can't afford to dress fancy.
But I wear my best shorts and my best T shirts and I wear a really cool looking hat to protect my bald head from getting sunburn on top.
So, I'm always neatly dressed when I go out in public in my beautiful red JAZZY power chair.
I may be a glutton, but I'm not a slob!
Of course, you guys who are apple-shaped, you can't help if if your shirts don't cover your bellybutton and your pants slide half-way down on your ass exposing your butt-crack.
At least, shower before going out and wear clean pants and clean shirts.
And fat ladies, I assume you use hair curlers because you want to make your hair look nice.
All well and good when your at home giving yourself a permanent or dying your hair.
But please, let your hair dry and remove the curlers before going out to display your hair-do.
But please, ladies and gentlemen, we fatties should try to have at least just a little bit of pride in our outward appearance when we go out in public.
OK?
As I have said before . . . . .
I'm a glutton, but I'm not a slob!
I have my own Fatmobile, which is my Mercedes GL550 SUV. I cashed in my market gains and started buying safer assets, and bought myself the car as a reward.
ReplyDeleteIt's better than an Escalade, in my opinion, and it cost me a bit over $84k before taxes, but I also got an auto-heating steering wheel and blind-spot assistance. It has a 382 horsepower @ 6k rpm, 5.5 liter V8 engine with a 7-speed automatic transmission. It's got a 26.4 gallon tank, plus a 3.6 gallon reserve tank, for a total of 30 gallons. Its curb weight is 5,545 lbs, add in another 275 lbs with me in there. It hits 60 mph in 6.4 seconds, so my fat ass can get moving in a hurry when I see the sign light up at Krispe Kreme.
The Escalade's best model gets 403 horsepower @ 5700 rpm, with a 6.2 liter V8, but only a 6-speed automatic transmission. Its curb weight is 5,715 lbs. So yeah, the Escalade probably has a faster top speed, but its claimed 7 second 0 to 60 was more like 7.5 seconds when I test drove it. The acceleration is inferior because it is only a 6-speed, and it weighs 170 lbs more.
For me, I'd rather have the luxury, style, and speed of the GL550, although the 2011 Escalade is an acceptable choice too.
Since I'm German, I do prefer the German cars, generally. For a long time I had my 1993 Mercedes W463, which I drove for over 515,000 miles (it was a diesel engine.)
As for eating while driving, I don't do that in my cars, only in rentals. I take driving very seriously, and I always stop to eat (outside of the car), and never let anybody eat, smoke, or drink anything in my car. I am very serious about keeping my cars immaculate, which is what my parents always taught me, just like I always wear my seatbelt. So if you ever find yourself a passenger in the Big Lard Ass Mobile, you'll have to respect those rules.
But anyway, I love my new SUV, as do my acolytes.
BLA
BTW, I am bad at negotiating so I don't know if I got the lowest price or not.
ReplyDeleteBLA
@ Teddy,
ReplyDeleteI like that curlers in the hair look. It's sassy! Some women can be sooooooooooo shallow with all their primping and fussing. That fat necked hunny had the curlers in for her man. I admire that.
I think that lady was showing pride. She let her fat speak for itself. No affectation just pure fat. You gotta like that.
@ BLA,
That Mercedes GL550 screams fattitude - precision German fattitude! OOOOPA OOOPA OOOOMPA!
Next the Hoss Cartwright my favorite fatling was Sargent Shultz from Hogans Heroes. He was the quintessential jolly fat man.
I am partial to the Escalade because it represents American gluttony. While the Mercedes GL550 may be a superior piece of machinery the Escalade says, "Hooray for me! I'm really fucking fat!"
The fact that the Escalade is heavier and more powerful gives it the edge in fattitude.
My hubby and I are both fat. We have a 2004 Hummer. I love it but I wish it was easier to climb into.
ReplyDeleteI love the automatic super sized doors in the fat friendly Escalade.
@Kerri Eatsmore
ReplyDeleteThe Hummer is definitely a good vehicle for a fat couple, it says "we are large and in charge!" But yeah, you have to open the doors yourself, and also climb up into it which can be difficult for some of us fatlings.
One possibility would be to see if you could get a fold-down extra step thing installed so that you can get in more easily.
Oink oink oink!
Dear Drew,
ReplyDeleteSo, you should chiggity check yo'self before you wreck yo'self. Aiiiiight, lemme tell you 'bout my crew, its not just me an' you - on my right I got Fat Bastard he's a leader of the crew. He mighta had a heart attack but boy you watch your back, cuz he's a winner through and through he's bangin' hoes he's eatin' snacks.
The next member, of my crew you see, is this rolly polly gangsta and we call him Teddy B. Now this guy is pretty timid, you might even call him shy but if you get on his wrong side then you'll see the bodies start to fly. You know he carries that weight just like Paul McCartney - and its made his legs stronger than a carnival donkey! What? Word? What? OH!
That's right cuz its BELLY BOYYYY stand tall for the BELLY BOYYYY!! Ungh yeah, I can hear the peasants grumbling. Ungh yeah can you hear his stomach rumbling? Well yeah his stand-up game is weak but if its an eatin' match we're doin', then fo' my man Double B its just "ready, set, chewin'!" Yeah - check-checkit! Yeah, check-checkit (TURN MY MIC UP!) Ungh, check checkit!
And now you know you outnumbered by us fat men here, but if you think you got it handled they you've chugged too many beers. Cuz our last big cat, yeah he's one tough essay, he's jacked he's ripped he's cut so we just call him "Proud FA"! This dude is ripped like a coupon, used to spray his goo on- tons of fat bitches who begged him for a screw-on. He parts the ladies pink C's like Noah did the Red, and he fights like Balboa cuz his fists they feel like lead.
(Drops mic and walks offstage.)
NOTORIOUS B L A, OUT
Hey everybody!
ReplyDeleteI just discovered this rather interesting news article at:
http://msn.foxsports.com/golf/story/john-daly-weight-loss-affecting-putting-111610
It seems that this well known Golf player, 44 year old John Daly, after losing about 126 pounds over the past 18 months, going down from 322 to 196 pounds, is no longer at his peak performance.
He now sucks at putting due to the loss of his love-handles.
With his elbows resting on his love-handles he was able to get a better swing with his putter, but after losing weight and losing his love-handles he now says:
Quote
"The biggest problem has been the putter — I have nowhere to put my elbows," Daly explained. "I used to be able to put my elbows right on my love handles and that was pretty good. Now they are all over the place."
End Quote
So, thanks to losing all that weight, he now sucks at Golf!
A golfer need his love-handles. The love-handles should be at least twice as wide as the hips and hang down over the hips a little bit.
Also, with a large massive apple-shaped upper-body, a golfer will have a much more powerful swing with the driver and get more range.
So, a professional golfer should be bald on top of his head, have a huge massive apple-shaped upper-body, and wear his baggy plaid Bermuda shorts halfway down on his hips showing off his butt-crack.
That's how a professional golfer should look on the field. And he should drive a golf cart so he doesn't have to walk around on his skinny legs and tire himself out.
Yes, having a lot of upper-body fat greatly increases the risk of getting insulin dependent Type 2 Diabetes and heart disease.
But a professional golfer needs to be apple-shaped with upper-body obesity.
So, he needs to gain back the weight he had lost to get back to his peak performance again.
True, he'll become diabetic.
But what the Hell!!!
His game will improve!
@ Teddy
ReplyDeleteDo you have a fetish for bald apple shaped fat guys? I'm just curious, because I know a guy. But anyway, why would being bald affect his golfing? I don't think it would have any effect on his game. Or does it have something to do with DHT, aka Dihydro Testosterone?
@ Fat Bastard
You should post back to that Drew guy and tell him to check out my mother-truckin' rap. That shit was so epic, you might as well call it the ILLiad. I read his blog and you have to have registered to post on it. But anyway it sounds like he is insecure if he comes onto our website and calls people "fags". Here at Bigger Fatter Blog, there is tolerance of straight, gay, bisexual, and trisexual people (trisexuals are only sexually attracted to triangles, the musical instruments).
@ Proud FA
Did you like my description of you in my rap? I think it was awesome.
Big Lard Ass, aka
Notorious BLA
I read that about Daley too. I think weight is a big part of it but I also think that he lost his fattittude.
ReplyDeleteDaley used to be a real party animal and very often he would play when he was really baked or really drunk after a hard night of partying.
I used to play golf and I can tell you that 90% of the game is mental. Look what has happened to Tiger Woods.
Losing weight will hurt anyone's short game. Weight is stability. Putting is a HUGE part of the game. Drive for show and putt for dough.
Daley needs to drink and drug and smoke and eat like he used to do. If it ain't broke don't fix it.
The PGA sucks because they won't let players use golf carts. I think if they let Daley use a golf cart and get back to his golfing weight or fatter he'd be the best golfer in history.
John Daley's gluttony and fattitude was inspiring. It's sad to see him going down hill.
When I played golf if was a lot more fun playing buzzed and I shot lower scores.