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Is Obesity A Choice?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

An Open Letter to Proud FA

As may many readers know, Proud FA is my best friend and confidant but lately Proud FA is not happy with me. He feels that I am selling out to the likes of MeMe Roth. He bases this on my recent weight loss (Even though it was induced by medical blunders) and my article titled There are More Important Things Than Fat Acceptance. When you have a series of near death experiences it sort of puts things into perspective.

Folks I have not sold out! I am still a big fat greedy and slothful glutton although I am no as fat and a bit less gluttonous because I am getting laid more. Both Proud FA and I agreed that the new fat acceptance movement would not be anti-diet. I am still slowly losing weight. Sue me! Unfortunately I am an apple shape and "Dr" Gerald "Teddy" Bear the leading voice on super morbid obesity will tell you apples are at greater risks for health complications due to obesity than pears. I hope that "Dr" Bear and I can come up with some BMI guidelines for apples.
Above is an apple shaped body.

Below is a pear shaped body.

With the help of CG Brady I have turned my food lust into less of a hedonistic pursuit of my porcine pleasures into more of an epicurian endeavor. I think it has been a good trade off. Even if I get skinny (Like that is going to happen) I would still be the legitimate leader of the New Fat Acceptance Movement. Kate Harding is not a major fatling, she's just ugly.

Proud FA, we have been friends for too long for you to diss me like this. I will always be Fat Bastard. I will always be that big fat rolly-poly guy that has been like a brother to you. I will always be Ralph Kramden to your Ed Norton.

Yes, there are things that are more important than fat acceptance. The health of Americans is one of them. While it is true that we fatlings end up getting the shittiest end of the stick when it come to health care, thinlings also get a stick with a very shitty end. While we fatlings are treated like turds in the corporate medical swimming pool; the thinlings are often the turds in the corporate medical urinal.

Please come back PFA. The movement needs you. We can do it without you but it would be easier with you.


Fat Bastard, your brother in lard

PS. Here is something for you viewing pleasure. you wanna see more hot fat MILF action click here!


Anonymous said...

hi this is jamie please do come back proud fa we do need ya!!thank you love anonymos

Rev. Lard Ass said...

Dear Fat Bastard,

Yeah! I agree with you fully- the New Fat Acceptance Movement is about being the absolute master of your body. Maximum fatness is not for everybody. Just being very fat is fine, you don't have to go for 600 or 800 pounds if you don't think the tradeoffs are worth it. Even just being 300 pounds is still very big, and the health risks are a lot lower than at 500+ lbs, especially for apple shaped men like you and me.

As for me, I have kept up with my vigorous exercise routine, but have also been eating a lot- just, more healthy foods. I feel better than I have in a long time, and I have much more energy now. I think all the pizzas I had been eating were kind of making me weaker in some ways. Now, I usually just have some chicken and broccoli for dinner instead of a pizza- and the chicken is breaded, not fried from KFC. I make a lemon and lime chicken with breadcrumbs, and it's pretty good, and then I steam some broccoli (no butter).

I'm down to about 4,500 calories per day, whereas it used to be over 9,000.

My point is- Fat Bastard is always going to be the same guy you grew up with, who protected you, who was always there for you. If you really care about him, and I know you do, then you should want him to be happy and be able to live for a long time. If he balloons up to 900 pounds, he will not be around very long, and that will be horrible. We need him to be around for as long as possible, and if that means him weighing 300 lbs, or even like 250 or something- then so be it. He's not going to become Stick Bastard.

So, in short, I wish you the best, Fat Bastard, and I am glad that you will never abandon our new movement. It's your belly, it's your body- don't let anybody else tell you what to do with it.

I have now made Fat Bastard an official honorary Brother of the Church of the Faedari. This means that you get the right to crash at my place if you need to (as long as you promise not to bang my acolytes) and it exempts you from membership fees etc that you would normally have to pay. Your Faedari name is now officially Fat Bastard.

This sermon has ended, let us go now and eat, or not, according to the will of each.

So sayeth the Reverend Lard Ass!

Teddy Bear said...

Good morning Fat Bastard and Rev. Lard Ass.

OK, you guys who are apple-shaped, you need to ear more fish for those good Omega 3 fatty acids that is good for your heart and your brain.

Also, are your bellies firm and solid or soft and flabby?

If your belly is firm and solid that means you have a lot of visceral fat under the muscle wall of the abdominal region, and that's not good.

But if your belly is soft and flabby, then that's good news because then it's mostly subcutaneous fat out side of the muscle wall just under the skin.

Subcutaneous fat is relatively harmless compared to visceral fat.

By having a couple of 12 ounce glasses of dry red wine every day, and eating lots of red grapes you might be able to reduce the amount of visceral fat, because dry red wine and red grapes have a natural enzyme called Resveratrol. Also, drink lots of red grape juice with every meal.

Experiments have been done with obese lab rats and the obese rats given high doses of Resveratrol lived just as long as thinner rats.

Resveratrol is being sold now as a supplement in capsule form.

So, you apple-shaped guys need to eat lots of fish and chug down lots of red or purple grape juice with every meal. Also take a Resveratrol supplement.

It might reduce the amount of visceral fat and lower your risk of having heart disease and may even repair some of the damage that has already been done.

By eating healthier food choices, you can still increase the amount of subcutaneous fat on your belly while reducing the visceral fat.

Then you apple-shaped guys can keep on gaining until your huge round soft flabby bellies hang down to your knees and your pants slide half-way down on your butts.

And so, you will eventually know the ultimate pleasure of going around out in public proudly showing off your bellybutton and butt-crack and mooning the world around you!

That's why, even though I'm somewhat pear-shaped, I sort of envy you apple-shaped guys.

You apple-shaped guys have a lot more fun!

Fat Bastard said...


Thank you for your support and great advice.

Jamie, I agree. The movement needs Proud FA. After all he is the Dean of Feederism. Feederism and fat acceptance go hand in hand.

Rev., your pastoral advice and counsel means so much to the movement. Fattitude = FAT. Even if alien came down and abducted me and did gastric surgery on me and became a skinny runt I would still be Fat Bastard.

I am sorry Proud FA if I cannot live up to what you think a fat guy should be. I am perfectly happy with myself. It's genetics! I cannot safely maintain the same weight that pear shaped people can. It's not my fault. I am still a greedy glutton but I am heeding the advice of "Dr" Bear and CG Brady and I am eating foods that are best for fatlings of my soma-type. "Dr" Bear is the leading authority on body shapes and I would think that as the Dean of Feederism you would bow to his greatness.

Dr Brady saved my life and no he is not why I have lost weight. The damn medications and the trauma that I suffered after my last medical crisis caused that. Dr Brady simply helped me recover and accept the weight loss as a positive.

"Dr" Bear offers great nutritional advice and I am sipping a glass of Cabernet and eating a Dove chocolate bar right now.

I would think as my best friend you would be happy for me and the fact that good friends like the Rev Lard Ass and Teddy are helping me through this and yes Proud FA there are somethings more important than fat acceptance and if you can't handle that maybe you should hook up with that dog faced gremlin Kate Harding. Your girl friend has told me that you are acting like a butt. Get over it Proud FA. Just because I am trying to save ALL people fat and thin from bad medical care and doctors/butchers does not diminish my position as leader of the NEW FAT ACCEPTANCE! Actually it makes me the most relevant leader in the movement.

WE NEED YOU! The first annual FAT FEST will not come off without you. Maybe you are the sell out! Maybe now that you are not into porking fat girls you have lost your fire.

Proud FA, you need to do some serious soul searching. Get in touch when you get your head sorted out.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Fat Bastard,

Tell Proud FA to grow up. He's acting like that pathetic bitch Kate Harding

Anonymous said...

Maybe Proud is having some sort of breakdown.

Captain Obvious said...

It sounds like Proud FA only wants to be friends with you if you are a gainer. Now that you have announced that you don't want to be his gainer/feedee, he has no use for you. He might have had some suppressed homosexual tendencies towards fat men, or maybe he does not but he is just trying to guilt you into committing suicide by massive over-eating. Nobody would encourage someone they really love to kill themselves, and that is what feeders do to their feedees, even if it is not a sexual type of situation. For someone who admits to having a fat fetish though, don't you think it is strange that he prefers for you to be fat? If he isn't attracted to you, then why would he care about your weight?

Fat Bastard said...

If there is one thing Proud FA isn't and that is gay. He's laid more pipeline than Exxon/Mobil. He has porked over 20 BBWs in one night.

Proud never fed me. He was never really even and encourager although I will say he and I went out to lunch a lot and he would buy me food for birthday and X-mas gifts but we had no feeder/feedee thing.

I think he misses porking fat girls. I think he is having an identity crisis. His skinny girl friend is one of the few thinlings he has ever boned and he tells me that sex with her is far better than with a BBW. Skinny girls have more moves than a snake and now Proud doesn't have to do all the work.

The past few months have been tough for everyone and I think the stress is finally catching up to him. He was a rock through my medical ordeal. I think he is angry with me for almost dying.

Fat Bastard said...

One more thing Capt Obvious,

Proud sees me as invincible when he saw that I was human he began to question other things like my judgment about the movement. He fears that if I get under a certain weight it will hurt the movement and I see his point but I have pointed out to him that Kate Harding is not really fat. She's just ugly but she is the de facto leader of the old movement.

Even if I am skin and bones I will always be FAT BASTARD! OINK OINK OINK!

Rev. Lard Ass said...

Dear Captain Obvious,

Proud FA is not gay, and does not show signs of being bi either. Since him and Fat Bastard have been lifelong best friends, Fat Bastard would know if Proud FA were gay or bi. For example, if someone is bi and they get drunk, they might try to put the moves on you or something.

However, Proud FA is into fat chicks, and while some of them have high testosterone and probably minor facial hair, that does not make them men. I know that a lot of fat chicks don't really keep up with their hygiene that much, and some of them don't shave their legs, which makes them like giant woolly mammoths, or perhaps sea otters.

Anyway, I personally wonder whether Proud FA is going into BBW withdrawal. This is a serious spiritual disorder, but there is a cure. According to the Book of the Faedari, the disorder can be temporarily treated by eating pork at least three days in a row, for at least three weeks per month. The pork cells stimulate the part of the spirit that controls your lust for fat chicks, because your spirit can't tell the difference between you eating pork, and you porking a porker. So that would be my recommendation. Of course, the other options include seeing if the thin girl is into Proud FA getting a little something-something on the side, or having an open relationship so he can bang all the BBWs he wants, or just feeding her until she hits like 275 pounds. But the urge to bang fat chicks does not just go away by itself.

I have grown a full beard since my heart attack, and have not shaved or trimmed it at all since then. This makes me look more wise, and it freaks people out when I cross-dress. I have taken to wearing a kilt, which is much more comfortable than pants, but I still consider it cross-dressing because I am not Scottish at all.

My weight is continuing to drop, especially since I have started adding a light jogging to my daily walks. I can only run for a few blocks, but I used to be only able to run maybe half a block before I got too winded to continue.

I do plan to re-gain weight, but I am following the path of the sumo wrestler, which includes many hours of working out each day. Visceral fat results from gaining weight slowly, and subcutaneous fat is what you get from rapid weight gain- this is what I have read. Of course it is more complicated than that, with somatotypes playing a big role (apples tend to have visceral fat) but I also believe that gaining weight fast is more healthy than gaining it slowly. So, I am losing weight now so that I can re-gain weight healthily later on.

I was up to three or four packs of cigarettes a day before my heart attack, but now I have not had a cigarette in 46 days. I quit cold turkey, and in fact, ate some cold turkey to help me quit. Just like eating pork helps cope with wanting to pork fat porkers, eating cold turkey helps you quit something cold turkey. Perhaps cold pork would help Proud FA quit wanting to pork fat porklings. I still need to run some more tests on that new theory.


Rev. Lard Ass said...

I had more tests done on my heart, and it turns out that the doctors say that they are amazed at how little scar tissue there is, which is very good. There is almost no scarring at all, so my heart should be able to recover fully- they initially were telling me that I would have weakness for the rest of my life.

I have also taken to eating chaka-nabe. This is what sumo wrestlers eat. But I am only having small portions, because I do not want to gain weight right now.

I am thinking of becoming a competitive eater at some point in the future, and I would like to perhaps one day do the Big Texan steak challenge, which involves eating a 4.5 pound steak and some side dishes in under an hour. I like my steaks blue rare, which is almost raw.

But anyway, I am glad that Proud FA was there for you when you had your big health scare, and helped you. Hopefully he will still accept you even if you do become thin. You will always be, mentally, a fat man. Even people who used to weigh 800 pounds and go down to 150 pounds still say that they "feel" like a fat person, like they think twice about sitting on something that looks flimsy, or think that a hot chick won't talk to him because he's fat, until he reminds himself that he is not fat anymore. So, I have complete faith that you will always be an advocate for the fat people, no matter what. If you lose weight, it will only be for health purposes, so you can live longer and therefore do more to help other fat people be happier by gaining them more acceptance and equal rights. Once we have equal rights, we can work towards gaining extra perks, and then outright superiority, and then complete domination of society, and build a global utopia of fat people.

Fat people will not fight wars, or commit robberies because we are too fat to run away effectively. And pear shaped obese people are docile. Once we get to an SSBBW and BBW dominated society, with a few SSBHMs and BHMs like me and you to represent the male elements, then I think that earth's problems will finally be solved for ever.

I honestly believe that we are fighting for nothing less than the fate of humanity itself! So please, keep on fighting, for all of us. For the fat kid getting picked on in school, bullied for merely liking to eat food instead of chasing balls, or having balls rubbed on his chin. Do it for Rosie O'Donnel. Do it for Kate Harding, for Oprah Winfrey, for Aretha Franklin, for the late great John Candy, for Jim Belushi, for Walter Hudson, for President Taft, for Emannuel Yarborough, for Billy Robbins, for Paul Mason, for for Paul Ipswich, for Michael Hebranko, for Donna Simpson, for Michael Moore, for Kevin Smith, for Horatio Sans, for Kevin Federline, Renee Williams, for Gabriel Iglecias! Do it for every well-nourished fat fetus inside the luxury condo that is the womb of a BBW. Do it for yourself. Do it for us.

Stay strong, my chubby chum. Stay strong.

-Reverend Mark Lard Ass

P.S. Brenda is near-death in the hospital from AIDS.

Rev. Lard Ass said...


Just to clarify, when I talk about a fat-dominated society, I do not mean an actual revolution. I am just talking about having an unofficial policy of, basically all of our top leaders in the future should be morbidly obese, and it gets to the point where you don't even bother to run for office unless you are fat, because you know that nobody would take your seriously if you were skinny.

And I don't believe in taking over other countries or anything like that, I just mean that hopefully they will adopt the same unofficial policies as well.

Maybe a Fat Rights Amendment, but that would be as far as I would go in terms of changing our fundamental government. Everything must be done non-violently, and in full accordance with existing laws.


Rev. Lard Ass

Fat Bastard said...

Thanks Rev!

I don't have time to speak to all your points but I must reiterate what you said. I have known Proud FA since we were kids and there is NO WAY he's a tonsil jockey or a rump ranger. Anyone man enough to pork the BBW's he's porked cannot possibly be a sweet boy.

Fat girl withdrawal? Hmmmm! That makes perfect sense. Proud FA Has been porking fat girls since he was a kid. He was seduced by a big fat baby sitter and he's been porking pretty plumbers ever since.

I don't think Proud FA's GF will want him porking fat girls even if it is just for sex. They end up getting all hung up on Proud and he has had many fat girl stalkers. Once he's boned one of them they look at him like a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and sour cream and onion dip. They just can't get enough. You know how lusty fat girls are.

I really think Proud needs to get fat girls out of his mind because just his luck he will end up knocking one up and ruining the relationship he has now.

Competitive eating? COOL! That little guy from Japan Kobiachi beats guys 3 times his size at the Nathans Hot Dog eating contest. What up with that Rev? I suspect that he's more disciplined than most fatlings and he starves himself for a few hours before the contest begins.

As you know the NAFAM (New American Fat Acceptance Movement) or NAFAM will usher in the era of fatopia. We will soon be the ruling class and true royalty. With leaders like you and Teddy Bear this will be the greatest piece of social engineering the world has seen.

The Rev. said...

Dear Fat Bastard,

I agree that banging fat chicks is not the right solution for Proud FA, at least not if he cares about his relationship with Thinnette. That's gonna be my name for her.

It's not surprising that Proud FA has lots of fat girl stalkers. But the temptations for Proud FA must be kind of hard to deal with, it would be like winning a golden ticket in Willie Wonka but having diabetes and not being allowed to bring insulin along with you. What a bummer!

I think knocking up a few BBWs wouldn't be the end of the world, but that's just me. Plus, I tend to be resentful of a thin guy and a thin girl being together, because I can't identify with it at all. That's just me though. Like I said before, he should try eating cold pork three days per week for at least three weeks per month, each month, and if that works, then he will need to continue doing that for the rest of his life. There is no cure for Fat Chick Addiction, only treatment.

About the competitive eating: the thin dudes who win that use the technique of stretching out their stomachs by drinking lots of water, and eventually this causes them to lose the ability to feel full anymore. Visceral fat would constrict your stomach, and keep you from being able to expand it to max capacity. So, it actually turns out that your fat can limit your stomach's size somewhat, even though it will still be a bigger than average stomach, it will not be able to expand to maximum capacity.

The Japanese guy wins by drinking lots of water in the days before the competition, and then don't eat at all for about 24 hours before the competition, so that you are extremely hungry when it starts.

The current male record is 68 hot dogs, a record set by Joey Chestnut. He also broke the record for the Big Texan challenge by finishing the meal in 8 minutes and 30 seconds; beating the previous record by about a minute, that record had been set about 30 years prior by a pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds. Usually people finish it in about 55 minutes.

I think with proper conditioning I would be able to eat about 100 hot dogs in one sitting, due to my 6'7" frame. I could also potentially be able to eat the steak dinner thing in like 4 minutes. But I don't think I'm going to go for that any time soon because I do not want to die that soon.


The Rev.

Fat Bastard said...

Pork therapy? I hope Proud is reading this. I love the name Thinette! I will refer to fat girls as Fattarinas.

I appreciate your insight on eating contests. I think you would make a good coach as would Proud FA. Teddy would make a great trainer. With you two in the corner of a competitive eater the other competitors would be intimidated.

Fat Bastard said...


Your comments are shear genius! I really think it would be great if you also had a blog.

Right now we have the scientific part covered with Teddy's Bigger Fattest Blog.

I think I am handling the social and political parts of the movement but neither Teddy or I have adequately addressed the spiritual side of it. I have spoken about worship of the Belly God bu I really lack the depth that you have. Teddy could fill that void but his scientific work and it impact on fat society is so enormous that he probably cannot do justice to both. Your grasp of the gestalt is stronger than a fat girl's grip on a pie plate and a NAAFA convention. You really see the big picture whereas Dr Bear and I focus more keenly on individual issues. You seem to bring it all together in a meaningful whole. You see the forest for the trees. That is true genius!

Big Lard Ass said...

Dear Fat Bastard,

Thanks for the kind words. I don't really want to have to do all the things required to have a blog of my own, it's easier just to use you guys' blogs.

Teddy's blog was what got me into the whole NFAM (New Fat Acceptance Movement) scene. Before that I was just another fat dude eating his way through life. Now I am a (fat) man with a mission- to increase the rights of the lot of those who weigh a lot.

I see Teddy as the intellectual underpinning of our movement. He's the brains behind the operation, the one who could intellectually outwit any thinling, perhaps even Meme Roth, who is one of the hottest thinlings around. His asexuality makes him immune to her sexiness, whereas you or me would not be able to debate her because we would just be drooling and feeling jealous of her husband.

You are the de facto leader of the NFAM. You're the one who could take out most debaters from the other side in just a few minutes- your mastery of the ins and outs of the issues involving morbid obesity, gainerism, feederism, etc, give you the ability to out-argue any non-hyper-sexy-female thinling in mere minutes.

And then there's me. I have sumo-like powers of fat acceptance that cannot be ignored. My dumps are the size of premature babies, and I can drink a case of beer without getting wasted, and eat a Crave Case from White Castle afterwards, and still not vomit. I don't do that these days because I am going for weight loss through diet and exercise, while still indulging in lots of tasty foods, just in smaller quantities. And I am eating breakfasts now, which I never used to do in the past. It helps keep my hunger under control.

Anyway, I am the DE FATSO leader of the NFAM. I have perceptive powers that enable me to devour issues like plates full of White Castle sliders, or Kristal burgers. I could hold my own in an argument with women like Kate Harding, because she does not make me hard at all.

My unorthodox views, such as siding with Kevin Smith in the fat people on airplanes debate, have made me a major outsider at times. I also have a tendency towards arguing in favor of Fat Supremacy, gainerism, feederism, and competitive eating for fat people as well as for thinlings. These are controversial elements that keep me on the fringe of the movement, but I see it as being a pioneer, on the outskirts, probing the issues of the day and then some of my ideas end up becoming more mainstream, and give new life to the movement to keep it from becoming stale.

Anyway, I might think about somehow getting an official ID thing for me to post with, or maybe even open my own blog if I could figure out how.



Teddy Bear said...

Hello Fat Bastard, Rev. Lard Ass and Proud FA.

I'm having problems with my blog.

Images that I have posted have disappeared from my blog.

For the past 2 months I have been harassed by cyber-bullies because of what I had said on an anti-sports forum.

And now, I'm afraid somebody might have hacked into my blog.

We do not have freedom of speech anymore in the USA!

I'm tired. I can't fight anymore!

I'm ready to give up!

Fuck it all!!!

Teddy Bear said...

OK, I guess it was only a temporary problem with the server.

I went back a couple hours later, and when I reloaded my page again, all the images now appear.

But earlier this morning I kept reloading my blog and the images would not appear.

It's seems to be working now.

So, I'm back in business which is promoting gluttony and obesity.

Can't keep this big fat bear down for long.

Big LA said...

Dear Big Dippa',

I was about to open up TWO cans of whoop ass on those punk-ass pro-sports idiots if they had really hacked into your blog! You don't hack into another man's blog, it's just not done!

It would be like someone breaking into your dwelling place, removing all of your fish from your fridge, and replacing it with prawns. Not cool!!

By the way, how long should I keep fish before I eat it? I find that it tastes better if I do not leave it in my fridge for like a week. But going to buy groceries like 3 or 4 times per weeks is annoying. It's a quandary.

My cholesterol is back under control now- it used to be 532 (when I had my heart attack), and now it is all the way down to 236. I know it should be under 200 though, but I'm still working on it.

Cutting out all the pizzas has been very difficult, but I am getting through it with the help of some close friends, and my acolytes.

Anyway, I think sports encourage elitism and a**holery towards others, and that is not acceptable. Even if it makes the winner feel a little bit better about himself, it makes the loser feel ten times that amount in negative feelings, so it's just not worth it. Overall, it causes pain and hardship. I say this even though I was very good at sports when I was young, because I was gigantic in height, and towards the end of high school, I was also gigantic in terms of body fat.

Big fat regards,

Big Lard Ass

Fat Bastard said...

Teddy and Rev. Lard Ass,

Teddy the reason you are being cyber bullied is jealousy pure and simple!

Teddy Bear is the world's greatest onesity and gluttony theoritician and social and scientific researcher. People are jealous.

Teddy bear is fat as hell and people are jealous of that too.

Teddy Bear is smart as hell and people are jealous of that too!

Teddy Bear has earned the respect and admiration of the New American Fat Acceptance Movement (NAFAM) and people are jealous of that too!!

Teddy, my old man told me that every knock is a boost. Consider their taunts and unkind words high praise. You remind those losers of everything they can never be.


I really wish you would consider hosting your own blog and dedicate it to fat spiritualism. I think that Teddy and I would both agree that you should be like the Pope or Dali Lamma of the NAFAM.

Obesity is much more than a political or social movement. It is evolution and Teddy has done well in elucidating that reality with his ground breaking work on fat soma-types.

Because fatlings die sooner they think about the after life and what our Belly God has in store for his greediest little piggies. Will heaven be a giant conveyor belt of food? Will it be mountains of Ben and Jerry's?

Will it be like Muslim heaven where you get vestal virgins only in the case of fatlings skinny chicks for the fat buys to bone and skinny guys like Proud FA to bone the BBW's?

Will Feeders like Proud FA go to fatling heaven?

Is hell full of salad and treadmills?

Rev. Lard Ass said...

Dear Fat Bastard,

About "belly gods": our bellies are not deities. In fact, worshiping your own belly is wrong. The belly is a vessel into which food is put; and so bellies are not gods.

What happens when we die? The ancient Egyptians believed Anubus would tear out your heart, and then put it on a scale with a feather. If your heart was heavier than the feather, you would be eaten and simply disappear forever. If it was lighter than the feather, you got immortality. They were partly right.

Your heart is ripped out, and then it is compared to a triple bacon cheeseburger with a side of fries. If your heart weighs more than it, then you get $458.32. There is a food court, and you get to pick out what you want. It has every sort of food imaginable. If you do not eat enough, your body shrinks down into nothing, over the course of 35 years.

Those whose hearts don't weigh enough wither away into nothing over the course of 2 years, and they are forced to watch a video type image of their life's food mistakes- the lack of tasty foods, etc. Those who do not enjoy life do not get to have Faederi eternal life.

Anorexics, interestingly enough, are the only group that actually re-incarnates. They're given another chance to find their way in a new body. So, being an anorexic is actually not as bad, from a spiritual perspective.

Now, if you eat enough at the Food Court of Destiny, you're in luck- you get to eat more food for eternity. But its mostly foods that are tasty, but that you don't know about. Weird foods, using things like unicorn meat, dinosaur testicles, etc, eventually become available after you eat food from many different cultures.

Fat people do get to bang other fat people in Faedevin. The fatter you are, the more sex you get to have, actually- but it is ONLY with other fat people. There are absolutely no thin FAs in Faedevin, unfortunately.

This is why we must honor the thin FAs- because they are sacrificing their immortality to help fat people.

What I MIGHT be able to talk the Faedari Council into is having FAs put in the same category as anorexics, but it's slow going and the effects will not be retroactive- it'll only apply to thin FAs who die after I get the change made- if I'm even able to.

You might be really upset that you won't get to bang thin chicks in Faedevin. Well, don't be. In Faedevin, you are extremely mobile, agile, and limber, and even a 7,800 pound man can have sex with a 9,532 pound woman very easily. And I do mean vaginal penetration, not just fold-effing. Trust me, it works. And, there's no way to get to bang thin chicks in Faedevin. They just don't exist- except for the ones withering away, but their skin falls off in clumps, they don't want to have sex at all, etc. If you rape one, you will become one too, and face eternal death, by the way.

So, banging thin girls in this life is probably your best bet if you want to bang them.

Some mean anti-fat people, instead of going into non-existence, enter Faedell. In Faedell, they are force-fed all of the fecal matter from all of the citizens of Faedevin, and face unending pain and agony, and are made fun of by fat people for all eternity, while they beg to just be killed, but they never are. So, it pays to be nice to fat people.

I hope that this clears up some of your questions about the afterlife. Remember- I didn't make up the rules, I'm just telling you what they are.


Rev. Lard Ass

Big Lard Ass said...

Dear Proud FA,

I am working very hard to try to secure you a VIP "Honorary Full Human" pass for when you eventually die like 50 or whatever years from now. If he Council grants it, you would get the chance to fatten up, lose your muscles, and if you could get up to 1,000 pounds in 2 years, you would have the chance to become considered a normal person in Faedevin.

This isn't a sure thing though, and I am really pulling a lot of strings with the Council to try to get you this pass. If I do succeed, I suggest that when you get to the afterlife, you have it laminated IMMEDIATELY, so that you don't get sauce on it or something while you are feeding. Also beware that it will be very difficult for you compared to people who were fat their whole lives, once in the afterlife.

Anyway, I also wanted to let you know that your friendship with Fat Bastard is a major thing that the Council is considering, so, hopFULLy you guys will get back to being best friends again. You guys are like Siskel & Ebert!

(Btw- Roger Ebert is going to get into Faedevin for sure, even though he has lost weight, it is because of his cancer and having to be on a feeding tube, etc. The Council will not hold that against him, they have assured me. But I hope that he lives a long time and stays happy, because he is a really witty writer and has brought joy into many lives.)

So, I hope that whatever guilt you might be feeling- just know that Fat Bastard is going to be there for you and will not judge you. And Teddy and myself are also here on the boards if you need support from us too.


Big Lard Ass

Teddy Bear said...

Hey Proud FA!

We're all worried about you. Fat Bastard, Reverend Lard Ass, and I, we would like you to come back to the fold.

Please, tell us what is going on! OK?

I know your upset with Fat Bastard because of his recent weight loss, and yet, your also worried about him gaining because of his recent heart attack and medical disaster.

Well, I have recommend that Fat Bastard, being apple-shaped should eat plenty of fish and have a 12 ounce glass of DRY red wine twice each day, because it's good for the heart, and the Omega 3 fatty acids from fish is good for both the heart and brain.

Everybody should eat lots of fish, but it's especially important for guys who are apple-shaped.

I believe that is might be possible to both reduce the amount of visceral fat from the internal organs underneath the muscle wall of the abdomen while at the same time increasing the amount of the relatively harmless subcutaneous fat outside just under the skin outside the muscle wall of the abdomen so the he would have a nice biog round belly that is soft and flabby instead of firm and solid. It's better of have a soft flabby belly.

So, Fat Bastard and Reverend Lard Ass can resume gaining once they have reduced the amount of visceral fat, while increasing subcutaneous fat. This is what Sumo wrestlers do.

Hey Proud FA!

Please leave us a message! OK?

Teddy Bear said...

Hello Reverend Lard Ass.

In your dissertation of the after-life you had said . . . . .

"Fat people do get to bang other fat people in Faedevin. The fatter you are, the more sex you get to have, actually- but it is ONLY with other fat people."

Well, I have never had sex in this life. I'm still a virgin. I have read somewhere that male virgins tend to live longer than males who have been sexually active, even though male virgins tend to be more obese.

I actually like being unable to have sex. I prefer to eat and sleep instead.

I would hope that in the after-life my lower-belly below my waist will hang down below my knees and that I will have a constant erection with my penis pressing up against my lower belly, but being unable to have sex. This would make me feel more helpless and impotent which is what I would love very much.

Yes, it would be great to be about 12 feet wide across my butt and weigh more than 9,000 pounds and still be able to stand up and walk around.

But I will choose to be lazy and not walk around and will prefer to eat and sleep instead, sitting on the edge of a great big bed, my arms laying straight out on the sides of my super wide body, my arms so fat I'm unable to bend my elbows, and a chorus of angles will have to feed me, continuously for ever and ever since I will be unable to bend my arms to feed myself.

Ah! Now that would truly be heaven! To be completely helpless and docile for all eternity.

A true Glutton's Paradise!

Fat Bastard said...

Hey Teddy and Rev,

I had a hang up on my answering machine. It did not record the number but I suspect it was Proud FA. We all want him back. We need thinlings!

Fat heaven, what a beautiful idea. I think we fatlings will be weightless so that we can float around like giant blubber blimps. It would be like a Marc Chagall painting.

I love skinny nurses in short mini dresses bringing food and giving me back rubs. I too would like to expand and expand for eternity and eventually my own universe. Do you think that is what God is Rev. Do you think the outer space is just the space between the cells of a giant ever expanding fatling? This is some heavy stuff!

Could we get so massive that we could create or own black hole?

Will I become so massive hat I will be to big to see unless I am billions of light years away?

Teddy you would make a lovely cherub as you sit or lay on your fluffy cloud in all your fluffiness and as the angels feed you.

Rev. Lard Ass said...

Dear Theodore Bear,

It is an interesting point that you bring up, about sexuality in Faedevin. Well it is not mandatory to have sex in Faedevin, and in fact, most of its residents eventually lose interest in sex, and just become preoccupied with eating, feeding, and gaining- three of the most popular sports in Faedevin.

Those who do not have sex gain more weight, and are looked upon favorably by others for their dedication to self-improvement (which is what weight gain is called in Faedevin.)

In Faedevin, you will be able to achieve the kind of weight gain that is unheard of on Earth. 400 lbs per year is not unheard of. Your back fat will start to reach down below your knees, and your front fat will go down to your ankles! There are some whose necks go down to their ankles, even!

No matter how obese you get in Faedari though, you can ask the Council to withhold or restore your movement abilities at any time, and requests are always processed within 2 weeks. That is how 8,000 pound men can have sex with 9,000 pound Ultra-Mega-Super-Sized-BBWs (multi-ton women) in Faedevin- they can move about freely, and their fat just sort of pushes to the sides, same with the women.

You would probably opt to be unable to move. You would still be able to grab food nearby though, and eventually learn to bring food to you using your mind. However, after a few months you could apply for a cherub to help feed you, and if you treat him well, you can get another, etc. The current record is 379 cherubs, plus 73 Faengels (Faedari Angels)- the guy who has those is so fat that he actually has his own gravitational pull, and other lesser fat guys serve as his "moons", orbiting around him, as the cherubs ferry food to him all the time using rockets and such. He never has sex, because whoever he had sex with would have a hard time getting away from him because of the gravitational pull of his body. Most Faedarians don't realize that he is actually a person, not a planet, until they read up on the subject, or listen to a tour guide.

Also, in Faedevin, you will be happy to know that you can influence your somatype. You will get to be an extreme hyper-apple if you wish- gaining no weight at all on your lower body, and gaining only on your belly if you wanted. You can even keep some weight in storage, and then have it surgically added to you, or put back into storage so that you can be more mobile and able to fit into the 20 foot wide doors to the buildings in Faedevin.

So, I hope this helps paint a better picture of what Faedevin is like. Don't worry about the sex thing either, being a virgin in Faedevin is also really common. And Earth Virgins are also really common people to enter Faedevin, so you will not be at all unusual in that regard.


Rev. Lard Ass

Rev. Lard Ass said...

Dear Fat Bastard,

Unfortunately, there won't be skinny nurses in mini-skirts giving you food in Faedevin. The best you would be able to hope for is someone who is wasting away towards nothingness- but her skin will be gray and flappity, all sagging, and they will only be able to make low groans, not form actual words. And having sex with one would be considered rape automatically, which would cause you to become one yourself. So, I would not recommend that. But you could get cherubs and eventually Faedangels. They're cool; very nice, each with their own personality, and cooking abilities.

On Earth, you could go to the Heart Attack Grill and get fed by "nurses". White Castle used to make its female employees dress up as nurses too. They called it "white castle" because the creator thought that people would think it was healthy if he promoted a clean image, which is why it is a white castle. He also set up rigorous cleaning schedules to keep everything very clean.

In Faedevin, people laugh at the lack of fast food choices on Earth. They have Hyper-McDonalds, Baron von Donalds, O'Donalds, Burger Queen, Burger Prince, Prince Burger, McBurger, JumbleBurger, JungleBurger, Burger Davidson (ride-able Harley Davidson-shaped and sized burgers are their specialty)- lots of fast food places most earthlings don't know anything about.

But yes, you will be able to float around.

Weight gain still takes time in Faedevin, you can't gain like, 10,000 tons a day or anything ridiculous like that. Usually half a pound a day is what most people achieve, because remember- as your body gets bigger, it burns more calories just from laying around doing nothing. So, it gets harder and harder to gain more weight as you increase in size.

The phenomenon of the black hole is very serious in Faedevin. It is what people there fear the most- becoming black holes. This causes them to simultaneously take form in the living world, desperately trying to eat as much as possible, but being stuck in a void. Light cannot escape the hunger of a black hole- but a black hole is actually just a Faedevin-dweller stuck, trying to get back into Faedevin. It's very sad.

You can, however, if you gain slowly at first (400 to 600 lbs per year) start to work up to moon status, orbiting a fatter person and surviving largely on the crumbs that fly out of his mouth, and whatever your cherubs bring you with rockets. Then you can break away and become a planet yourself, potentially. A very noble goal, but it would take many years to achieve. Many very fun years.

Regarding the Faedeity, this subject is still something of a mystery to me. The Council of Faedari has not yet entrusted me with this information. When I had my heard attack I went unconscious and was taken to Faedevin for awhile, but was sent back to spread the word to earth, like butter across a piece of warm bread.

But I have heard rumors that sometimes the planet-sized people of Faedevin are able to affect our dimension as well, and perhaps the planets we know are really just fat people from Faedevin, whose forms are altered in our dimension, appearing as gas giants, brown dwarves, et cetera. Jupiter may be one such planet, actually- but not all planets are fat people from the other dimension, less than 1% are.

Anyway, if you dedicate yourself, Fat Bastard, you can become a huge planet! And I could visit you in a rocket and share some cookies with you!


Rev. Lard Ass

依政琦萍 said...


Fat Bastard said...

Rev, DO you think Chris Farley is there? I bet the fatter he gets the funnier he gets.

When people see flying saucers is it just cherubs delivering food at speeds so fast that they encroach into out dimension?

When I speak of the Belly God I am speaking of that invisible force that make us hungry so that we will eat and enjoy food. That is why we pay homage to the Belly God. We are not paying homage to our bellies but instead we are giving thanks to our sated hunger and they bounty of all the great food that the Belly God has provided. We honor Belly God by eating and eating and eating and eating.

In other news: Proud FA's girlfriend Thinette called me. She is also not happy with Proud FA. She suspects that he may have porked a few SSBBWs.

Usually Proud tells me everything. I'm worried about him and so is Thinette. I hope he hasn't done something stupid. SSBBWs and BBWs throw themselves at Proud. Also, Thinette got a yeast infection and she has never had one before. Fat girls have very yeasty maws because of the diabetes,sweating a lot, difficulty with toileting and their diets and they have a lot of yeast in their skin folds. They have more yeast than a Wonder Bread factory.

Rev. Lard Ass said...

Dear Fat Bastard,

Flying Saucers are just that- saucers of food flying. You are correct- they sometimes travel at such high speeds with so much food aboard that they actually encroach into our dimension.

Your Hunger Sense is strong, and that is good. You call it your "Belly God", and that's okay if that is what you want to call it. It goes by many names, and all are correct. It tells you to eat, and if you do not ignore it- then you are on your way to achieving the spiritual state of Fullness. Since you are an honorary member of my congregation, you'll have an advantage getting into Faedevin, although you don't need any such bonuses really because you're already a shoe-in.

Chris Farley and John Candy are both living very large in Faedevin. Chris is no longer a drug addict, and John is no longer an alcoholic. They both eat a lot, and both make movies together, and solo. They're really great! Faedevin movies are really great, with lots of great fat actors like Jackie Gleason, and many others.

Hm, I think Thinnette's suspicions could be valid. They say that usually a woman knows if her man is cheating on her. The yeast infection suggests that he might have porked some porkers, and so now Thinnette has yeast from a wildebeast's snatch in her snatch.

Or perhaps he knocked up a SSBBW, and she doesn't want to have an abortion because she wants Proud to be forced to remain a part of her life in some capacity. That's what I would do if I were an SSBBW- try to get a FA with looks and/or $$ to knock you up, and then you've got him roped in for 18 years of child support and child visits. Ka-CHING!

The fact that he has not been in contact with you suggests that this is something that is causing him some significant shame. So, I dunno- my theory that he knocked up a fat chick could be true. Maybe he's even in love with her, and is torn between two lovers. Maybe it's Donna Simpson, even. We just don't know at this point.

Or maybe he's just busy at work.

I feel bad for Thinnette if this is the case that she is being cheated on. If I were her I would have a talk with him about the whole thing. I have been cheated on by my own former wife, so I know what it is like to have to go through infidelity.

This is part of why Proud FA needs to be with a morbidly obese woman- he just can't satiate his BBW and SSBBW lust. It's a tempting lure, and I recommend that he not kid himself by trying to abstain from fat chicks for the rest of his entire life. Either that, or find a thin woman who is into a feeder/feedee relationship or who wants to become a gainer.


Big Lard Ass

Teddy Bear said...

Good evening Reverend Lard Ass.

Speaking of UFOs and Jackie Gleason . . .

Jackie Gleason believed in extraterrestrial life and in UFOs, and he had a close friendship with some government officials who investigated UFO sightings and he got to see some top secret government installation, so he was privy to information that is kept secret from the general population. He was also interested in science as a hobby. Who knows, but if he had chosen a different career other than acting, He might have been a college professor, so he was pretty damn smart.

Remember Dan Blocker, another big fatty who played Hoss Cartwright on Bonanza? Before he became an actor on TV, he was a high school math teacher in Carlsbad New Mexico. I guess he taught either algebra, geometry, or trigonometry. We all remember him as just some big dumb lovable country bumpkin from his role as Hoss Cartwright in Bonanza. But in real life he was also pretty damn smart. One has to be to have taught high school math.

So, we fat guys do have a lot going on up stairs.

When I was 13 years old, I scored 150 points on a standard IQ test, but when I went to school, the quality of education was on the decline, and our schools cared far more for sports than academics. So, most of what I know is from reading books from the public libraries and the university library at NMSU, New Mexico State University when I was living in Las Cruces New Mexico.

I'm also a believer in UFOs and extraterrestrial intelligence.

I use to listen to Art Bell on the radio, a late night talk show. Then art bell went into a temporary retirement for a couple of years because of a family crises. I learned about a year later, that Art Bells 16 year old son, Arthur Bell IV was sexually molested by a high school teacher. When his son turned 18, he filed criminal charges against the teacher who molested.

Eventually Art Ball came back to his late night radio talk show. His broadcast studio was set up in his own home outside of Parump Nevada. Then one day, his lovely wife Ramona Bell died from asthma so he went into permanent retirement and is now residing in the Philippines.

I enjoyed Art Bell's radio talk show because they discussed all kind of interesting subjects. Many of times, he had a guest on his show like Richard C Hoagland who wrote The Monuments Of Mars. He is now residing outside Albuquerque New Mexico living in a cabin up in the mountains at 8,000 feet above sea level. Richard C Hoagland usually talks about tetrahedral hyper-dimensional physics, and he says that NASA is hiding a lot of information from the public concerning life on Mars.

I even know Whitley Streiber who has also been a guest on Art Bell. I met him back in 1996 at a Barns & Nobel bookstore when he came to El Paso. I bought his book, The secret School, and he autographed it for me. He also wrote Communion. He has had a quite few UFO alien abduction experiences. So there is a lot more going on in this world that you will NEVER hear about on the NEWS media.

He does a talk show called Dreamland on the Internet which was given over to him by Art Bell after he use to do it himself on the radio in addition to his regular late night programming.

I really miss listening to Art Bell's late night radio talk show.

I miss him very much.

Anonymous said...

Fat men rule!

Fat Bastard said...

Hoss Cartwright fucking ruled! Although he could have been 50 pounds fatter that guy was large and in charge. I also liked Dan Conner of Roseanne. He know how to kick ass and he is ENORMOUS now! We need a guy like that in the movement!

I am happy to know that John Candy and Chris Farley are working together in paradise. I hope Belushi is there with them. Fat guys are the best comics.

I think Lisa Lampanelli was funnier when she was fat but I'd like to bone/pork her or pork/bone her. Usually skinny girls are not wanton sluts like fat girls are but I think Lisa may still be a slut and us fat guys love sluts. I guess it comes from watching so much porno.

Teddy, I did not know about Art Bell's son. If you would like I could check and see if my buddy CG Brady can counsel you on your wounds from the trauma you had to endure at the hands of some sicko. When we are all with the Faedari all of our wounds will be healed.





Lisa said...

Shes very beautiful.

Teddy Bear said...

Hello Fat Bastard.

Well, I upset with CG Brady because he has said that we fat people should pay a tax according to how many pounds overweight we are.

At 5 feet 6 inches and around 400 pounds, if I'm only suppose to weigh 160 pounds, then that makes me about 240 pounds overweight, and if I'm charged $240 per month as a fat tax, I would not be able to pay my rent on my apartment and I would end up living in the streets. It would not be right to charge such a tax on anyone especially one living on a disability pension.

Also, if I were to accept any kind of psychological counseling from him, it would have to be with the understanding that I do not want to be lectured about my weight, and he would have to accept the fact that I'm perfectly happy being fat.

I like weighting 400 pounds or more because I like being much bigger than anyone who as ever bullied me around.

My fat body is my castle, my fortress, and my soft body armor.

Fat Bastard said...


If you are insulating yourself in a cocoon of fat because of some childhood traumas maybe that is preventing you form dealing with the real issues that plague and hurt you so deeply. Me? I'm just a big fat greedy glutton. I eat because I love food. If food did not make me fat I would be just as happy and maybe even more happy because I would have been able to pork BBWs along with being able to bone thin women.

When you were discussing the cyber bullying you sounded really up set. I, Fat Bastard would love it if some punk tried to fuck with me. It would make me happy because then I would really get to throw my cyber-weight around.

CG actually laid a doctor out in pansy purple for suggesting that I have WLS. He is a bit of a mother hen like MeMe but his heart is in the right place. He also got educated by me when I pointed out to him that obesity is NOT the leading cause of preventable death. We tend to see eye to eye on that.

I don't know if his counseling is why I am shedding pounds. I am actually eating more than ever but I am really mowing down on fresh fruits and vegetables. I love it! You know how tough it can be for us fatlings to wipe our asses. A diet high in fiber sure cuts down on the paper work.

In some ways we cost society more but so what? We also are the thinkers and the dreamers. We should be a protected class and things are heading that way. It is a natural societal evolution.

This is the decade of the FAT MAN! The NAAFA girls blew it. We won't! I will always be a Fat Bastard but I had to get down to my fighting weight. This mean old grizzly bear is growling and snarling and ready to take on the world. I owe it all to CG Brady.

Because the NAFAM is open door and open minded we did not chase CG away. We reached out and found common ground. Because NAFAM is TRUE size acceptance we cannot and will not discriminate against thinlings. NAAFA loves skinny guys and hates skinny women. At NAFAM we do not discriminate based on size. We are not fat chauvinists like NAAFA. We are a big tent with a lot of food for though.


Big lard ass said...

Dear Theodore Bear,

I am sorry to hear that one of your favorite radio personalities (Mr. Bell) has been having some difficulties and doesn't do his show anymore. That is sad, but I hope that he is happy and safe in retirement, and that his son is able to be successful and overcome what happened to him. I also hope his family hired a big fat lawyer to sue the school!

Re Fat Bastard:

Hoss is such a great name for a fat man!

You are also very correct that when we are amongst the Faedari, our emotional wounds will be gone.

Would you really bang Lisa Lamponelli? She jokes about having a fetish for African American men, and having a lot of sex with strangers, so I don't know if she is into other kinds of men as well, or if that is the only kind of man that she would let bang her. Most women look better obese, so I agree that she doesn't look as good as she was when she weighed more.

Dear Teddy (again),

You're right that your fat is your armor. It is also sort of like a force field. Plus, if it ever got cold in El Paso, fat people do better in the cold than thin people, who have no blubber to insulate their organs from the cold. I guess it never gets cold in El Paso though, so you are probably just very hot all of the time? I'm sure you know to stay hydrated.

Dear Fat Bastard again,

What kinds of fruits and veggies are you eating the most of? I have been eating lots of beans every day, which help keep me regular, which was a problem for me in the past. I also eat a lot of prunes for the same reason. Also bananas, oranges, and apples. I eat a lot of spinach, broccoli, and some green beans sometimes. I can also eat an enormous amount of celery in one sitting. And I use my juicer to make all kinds of crazy mixed juices too.

I find it is invigorating me. For me, a big thing is just the quantity of food- not necessarily gaining lots of weight, that is important to me. So I like my new rhythm. Also my exercise is making me feel stronger and stronger. I believe that at this rate, I will be able to become an amateur boxer in the not too distant future!

I don't know if I could beat up a muscular 240 lbs 19 year old on steroids, though. that would be a big challenge, defeating a guy 30 years younger than me.. but if George Foreman could beat up guys 25 and 30 years younger than him, while he was overweight and talking about Burger King to the press, then... maybe I could become the world champion too... hmmm... interesting things to think about! I must consult with the Faedari Elders.

Big lard ass

Fat Bastard said...

Rev, you just can get fat eating rabbit. CG Brady did something so that I crave rabbit food. I am eating like a pig but losing weight. I also like taking enormous shits. Before most of my shits were double flushers but now most are either triple or quadruple flushers. When I use a public restroom I don't flush so that the next guy can marvel at the size of my stools.

The other thing I like about CG Brady's diet is that it really cuts down on paper work. I eat constantly and shit 3 or four times a day.

I drank this health green drink on St Patrick's day and I dropped a duke that looked like a big green fucking anaconda.

Lisa Lampanelli is a big slut and I love big crud sluts and that is why I like fat girls but I can only bone thinlings because of my still giant belly. Which brings me back to Proud FA. Maybe he's jealous that when I lose a little more weight I will be porking fat girls and telling him all about it. I have never been able to successfully pork a fat girl. Maybe I won't like it as much as boning skinny chicks.

I am thinking of rubbing lard, pig fat or cooking oil on me in hopes in to soak in and make me fatter but with would the health risks of visceral fat. Perhaps "Dr" Bear can chime in on this.