Thursday, April 28, 2011

Gaining Tips. A glutton's guide for packing on the fat and pounds.

  •  Start with tasty fattening like sweet tea or other foods that have calories for your body.  
  •  Examine your current eating habit and stop consuming those with negative effects on your weight gain plan.            
  • Find a book of calories and learn what type of food that will help you gain weight.
  • Sit.  
  • Invest in food delivery service.
  • Watch your consumption of foods that have a lot of fiber, eat refined sugar and fat, resist temptations to snack on vegetables, and whole grains. Increase fatty red meat. Eat with ferocity.
  • Super-size your dinner plate, the more food that is served to you, the more you will eat. The same goes for liquid with the exception of water. Avoid water!
  • Frequent napping daily for 30 to 45 minutes. Buy a pedometer and aim for under 100 steps a day.
  • Find opportunities to conserve calories by taking the elevator and get others to run errands for you.
  • Eat quickly and excitedly, if you eat too slowly your brain will eventually tell you that you are no longer hungry.
  • Drink lots of heavy cream, at least 8 glasses a day.
  • Nap and doze frequently.
  • When doing your groceries, pick hig-fat foods, like milk, cheese, cream, butter , yogurt etc.
  • Snack on fruits, candied apples and chocolate covered raisins.
  • Eat more at home and have your meals delivered.
  • Be mindful of your salad dressing, the type and how much and pour it on liberally.
  • People tend to under-eat when they are depressed or stressed, so be mindful to indulge in comfort-food when you feel down.
  • Place notes at strategic locations for eg on the fridge door that reminds you that you are trying to gain weight.
  • Reward yourself after each weekly success. Indulge and pig-out
  • Make a list of all the yummy foods that you crave and tend to binge on and eat as many of those foods as you can get your greedy paws on.
  • Make a list of clothes that will look good on you once you gain weight.
The above are my tips. As a fat guy they are good tips but I Fat Bastard and a mere pup compared to the great Belly Boy. Here are his gaining tips. I have to defer to his expertise just as I Fat Bastard defer to "Dr" Gerald "Teddy" Bear's expertise in fields like fat studies, fat soma types  and bariatric nutrition.

Belly Boy's Gaining Tips! 


http://blog.sanctuaryspaholidays.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/fat-man-massage.jpg
2) Always have some cigarettes after each meal in order to aid the digestive process. Green tea is for health nuts. http://laist.com/attachments/tony/greatjohn.jpg 
1) Have your butler give you a massage before you eat, to stimulate your appetite. http://www.mustknowhow.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/cigarette.jpg 3) Take healthy dumps whenever the need arises, so that you have more room for food. http://renegademoms.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Western-pack-butter.jpg  4) Butter is your buddy . http://gloomyvegan.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/lard2.jpg 5) Lard is your lover. http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml08/08216.jpg 6) Fried is your friend. http://www.health-eating.net/wp-content/plugins/WPRobot3/images/2f0cb_nutrition_facts_133321459_7d8a89ed25.jpg   7) Looks can be deceiving, always read food labels to make sure you are using the highest quality ingredients when cooking. More calories and fat content means higher quality. The nutrition labels are meant for thinlings, so adjust the percentages accordingly. You should be eating at least 20,000 calories every day. http://images.codingforcharity.org/dmp/2010/11/21/Waddle_20101121200247_thumb.png 8) Don't be afraid to waddle around in order to work up a bigger appetite. I know this sounds like it wouldn't work but it does. You don't want to become completely immobile because there are many disadvantages and it is not as fun as it sounds when you fantaSIZE about it as I used to. http://www.instructables.com/image/FFKI16GG33OYEI1/The-Best-Mexican-Chip-Dip-in-the-whole-entire-worl.jpg 9) Always snack in between meals, to keep your strength up and to whet your appetite for the next meal. http://coltmonday.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/shaq-sleep-eating.jpg?w=504 10) Never sleep for more than 3 hours at a time! Set your alarm to wake yourself up every 3 hours and keep some goodies next to your bed so that you can have something to eat at night. This little trick, I call it "Sleep Eating," and it is an excellent way to pack on the pounds. On normal days you do 2 3-hour cycles, and on weekends you do 3 or 4 3-hour cycles.Delete
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11) Get a sedentary office job. Make sure to leave your jacket on your chair and half a sandwich on your desk so that people will think you just stepped out and will be right back. Then, you hit up the nearby McDonalds for awhile, and come back to the office and act VERY angry and complain about how busy you are, so it shows you are a hard worker and people won't bother you with more work. Use this technique to eat your way to the top of the corporate food chain. http://www.fanstarleagues.com/football/drunkspool/images/long-turd-big.jpg 12) SAVE YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS. http://www.worldofstock.com/slides/PFR1105.jpg 13) Don't fall into the "three meals a trap", make sure you have at least 5 main meals everyday. Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Dinner, and Supper. You want to snack in between meals as I mentioned, including while you drive. Just because it's illegal to drink and drive doesn't mean you can't EAT and drive! Use the law's loopholes to your advantage! http://media.gazettextra.com/img/photos/2009/04/30/DoughnutChamp_t200.jpg?63053ce3c12ccdabb07c8a8609241a2395705911 14) Donuts are a fat person's best friend. They are compact, have a hole for easy carrying, and pack some solid calories into a small place. The high sugar content gets your blood sugar up; and when you combine the sugar rush with some coffee, you will be up and humming along while all of your co-workers are still drowsy and cranky. http://www.whatsonxiamen.com/news_images/77511.jpg 15) Be careful when you are feeding. It can be easy to get caught up in the moment and end up biting one of your fingers, which can be very painful and even require surgery. In extreme cases, a feeding glutton may even chew off and swallow his own finger without even realizing it. http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gege_EncnjY/S7c9bDITKEI/AAAAAAAAASI/Qz-nBJXWIqk/s400/IZ1s.jpg 16) Learn to play a very small instrument, such as a tiny guitar, or other child-sized instruments. This makes you look bigger, inspiring you to eat more. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_u7LnAXyVfww/SkADXE8cjtI/AAAAAAAAAF8/Uio188eE7hQ/s400/225629_fat_guy_in_car.jpg 17) Drive an SUV. Sure you waste a few hundred dollars a year on gas, but you make up for it with extra storage space, cup holders, cargo space, places to put things, empty space, and more room. It can be hard to climb the stair to get up, but you can have extra steps installed to make it easier to get up. It's like SUViagra. http://www.poopreport.com/Images/Consumer/Content/Bidet/Images/phess3.jpg 18) Invest in a good portable bidet, which is a must if you are on the road. This helps stimulate your appetite by being clean, although sometimes it can be fun to be dirty instead. The choice is all up to you. http://www.natural-wonder-pets.com/images/NoToothbrush.jpg 19) NEVER brush your teeth! This wears them down, and as gluttons our teeth are already worn down from all that chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, and chewing. The bristles just make them wear down even faster. Instead, apply toothpaste directly to your teeth and swish it around over your teeth, and use mouth wash as well. Mouthwash is also an excellent foot deodorizer, if you mix some with water and put it in a clean bedpan and stick your feet in.
http://trialx.com/curetalk/wp-content/blogs.dir/7/files/2011/02/gout_tophus_bpac.jpg
GOUT
BELLY BOY, GOUT



    http://www.feedthefatgirl.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/IMG_4317.jpg
    EAT!

    http://nofoodfatass.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/fat-guy-ice-cream.jpg
    EAT!


    Wednesday, April 27, 2011

    Birthers and Donald Trump Can Go Fuck Themselves

    I Fat Bastard stopped being a Republican in 2006 but what really sealed the deal was McCain picking the moron Palin. While the GOP remains the party of greed and gluttony they are now overshadowed by the sex sandals, lies and racism. The party of Reagan is no more and this Birther shit has really pissed me off. The GOP (Group Of Perverts) is trying to fire up the racist and moron vote with this latest ugly reincarnation of the Birther movement now led by that flaming asshole Donald Trump aka Ronald Rump because he is such an ass face. As a response to Rump's latest load of lies Bigger Fatter Blog is presenting conclusive evidence that like the song says, our president Barack Obama was BORN IN THE USA!

    This evidence come from many sources and was compiled by the CONSERVATIVE St Petersberg Times and FACT CHECK. This was all explained in August of 2008.


    Here's the 411 on Obama's place of birth.

    Born in the U.S.A.
    The truth about Obama's birth certificate.
    Summary
    In June, the Obama campaign released a digitally scanned image of his birth certificate to quell speculative charges that he might not be a natural-born citizen. But the image prompted more blog-based skepticism about the document's authenticity. And recently, author Jerome Corsi, whose book attacks Obama, said in a TV interview that the birth certificate the campaign has is "fake."

    We beg to differ. FactCheck.org staffers have now seen, touched, examined and photographed the original birth certificate. We conclude that it meets all of the requirements from the State Department for proving U.S. citizenship. Claims that the document lacks a raised seal or a signature are false. We have posted high-resolution photographs of the document as "supporting documents" to this article. Our conclusion: Obama was born in the U.S.A. just as he has always said.

    Update, Nov. 1: The director of Hawaii’s Department of Health confirmed Oct. 31 that Obama was born in Honolulu.
    Analysis
    Update Nov. 1: The Associated Press quoted Chiyome Fukino as saying that both she and the  registrar of vital statistics, Alvin Onaka, have personally verified that the health department holds Obama's original birth certificate.

    Fukino also was quoted by several other news organizations. The Honolulu Advertiser quoted Fukino as saying the agency had been bombarded by requests, and that the registrar of statistics had even been called in at home in the middle of the night.
    Honolulu Advertiser, Nov. 1 2008: "This has gotten ridiculous," state health director Dr. Chiyome Fukino said yesterday. "There are plenty of other, important things to focus on, like the economy, taxes, energy." . . . Will this be enough to quiet the doubters? "I hope so," Fukino said. "We need to get some work done."
    Fukino said she has “personally seen and verified that the Hawaii State Department of Health has Sen. Obama’s original birth certificate on record in accordance with state policies and procedures."

    Since we first wrote about Obama's birth certificate on June 16, speculation on his citizenship has continued apace.
    Some claim that Obama posted a fake birth certificate to his Web page. That charge leaped from the blogosphere to the mainstream media earlier this week when Jerome Corsi, author of a book attacking Obama, repeated the claim in an Aug. 15 interview with Steve Doocy on Fox News.
    Corsi: Well, what would be really helpful is if Senator Obama would release primary documents like his birth certificate. The campaign has a false, fake birth certificate posted on their website. How is anybody supposed to really piece together his life?
    Doocy: What do you mean they have a "false birth certificate" on their Web site?
    Corsi: The original birth certificate of Obama has never been released, and the campaign refuses to release it.
    Doocy: Well, couldn't it just be a State of Hawaii-produced duplicate?
    Corsi: No, it's a -- there's been good analysis of it on the Internet, and it's been shown to have watermarks from Photoshop. It's a fake document that's on the Web site right now, and the original birth certificate the campaign refuses to produce.

    Corsi isn't the only skeptic claiming that the document is a forgery. Among the most frequent objections we saw on forums, blogs and e-mails are:
    • The birth certificate doesn't have a raised seal.
    • It isn't signed.
    • No creases from folding are evident in the scanned version.
    • In the zoomed-in view, there's a strange halo around the letters.
    • The certificate number is blacked out.
    • The date bleeding through from the back seems to say "2007," but the document wasn't released until 2008.
    • The document is a "certification of birth," not a "certificate of birth."
    Recently FactCheck representatives got a chance to spend some time with the birth certificate, and we can attest to the fact that it is real and three-dimensional and resides at the Obama headquarters in Chicago. We can assure readers that the certificate does bear a raised seal, and that it's stamped on the back by Hawaii state registrar Alvin T. Onaka (who uses a signature stamp rather than signing individual birth certificates). We even brought home a few photographs.


    The Obama birth certificate, held by FactCheck writer Joe Miller

    Alvin T. Onaka's signature stamp

    The raised seal

    Blowup of text

    You can click on the photos to get full-size versions, which haven't been edited in any way, except that some have been rotated 90 degrees for viewing purposes.

    The certificate has all the elements the State Department requires for proving citizenship to obtain a U.S. passport: "
    your full name, the full name of your parent(s), date and place of birth, sex, date the birth record was filed, and the seal or other certification of the official custodian of such records." The names, date and place of birth, and filing date are all evident on the scanned version, and you can see the seal above.

    The document is a "certification of birth," also known as a short-form birth certificate. The long form is drawn up by the hospital and includes additional information such as birth weight and parents' hometowns. The short form is printed by the state and draws from a database with fewer details. The Hawaii Department of Health's birth record request form does not give the option to request a photocopy of your long-form birth certificate, but their short form has enough information to be acceptable to the State Department. We tried to ask the Hawaii DOH why they only offer the short form, among other questions, but they have not given a response.

    The scan released by the campaign shows halos around the black text, making it look (to some) as though the text might have been pasted on top of an image of security paper. But the document itself has no such halos, nor do the close-up photos we took of it. We conclude that the halo seen in the image produced by the campaign is a digital artifact from the scanning process.


    We asked the Obama campaign about the date stamp and the blacked-out certificate number. The certificate is stamped June 2007, because that's when Hawaii officials produced it for the campaign, which requested that document and "all the records we could get our hands on" according to spokesperson Shauna Daly. The campaign didn't release its copy until 2008, after speculation began to appear on the Internet questioning Obama's citizenship. The campaign then rushed to release the document, and the rush is responsible for the blacked-out certificate number. Says Shauna: "[We] couldn't get someone on the phone in Hawaii to tell us whether the number represented some secret information, and we erred on the side of blacking it out. Since then we've found out it's pretty irrelevant for the outside world." The document we looked at did have a certificate number; it is 151 1961 - 010641.


    Blowup of certificate number
    Some of the conspiracy theories that have circulated about Obama are quite imaginative. One conservative blogger suggested that the campaign might have obtained a valid Hawaii birth certificate, soaked it in solvent, then reprinted it with Obama's information. Of course, this anonymous blogger didn't have access to the actual document and presents this as just one possible "scenario" without any evidence that such a thing actually happened or is even feasible.

    We also note that so far none of those questioning the authenticity of the document have produced a shred of evidence that the information on it is incorrect. Instead, some speculate that somehow, maybe, he was born in another country and doesn't meet the Constitution's requirement that the president be a "natural-born citizen."

    We think our colleagues at PolitiFact.com, who also dug into some of these loopy theories put it pretty well: "It is possible that Obama conspired his way to the precipice of the world’s biggest job, involving a vast network of people and government agencies over decades of lies. Anything’s possible. But step back and look at the overwhelming evidence to the contrary and your sense of what’s reasonable has to take over."
    In fact, the conspiracy would need to be even deeper than our colleagues realized. In late July, a researcher looking to dig up dirt on Obama instead found a birth announcement that had been published in the Honolulu Advertiser on Sunday, Aug. 13, 1961:

    Obama's birth announcement

    The announcement was posted by a pro-Hillary Clinton blogger who grudgingly concluded that Obama "likely" was born Aug. 4, 1961 in Honolulu.
    Of course, it's distantly possible that Obama's grandparents may have planted the announcement just in case their grandson needed to prove his U.S. citizenship in order to run for president someday. We suggest that those who choose to go down that path should first equip themselves with a high-quality tinfoil hat. The evidence is clear: Barack Obama was born in the U.S.A.

    Update, August 26: We received responses to some of our questions from the Hawaii Department of Health. They couldn't tell us anything about their security paper, but they did answer another frequently-raised question: why is Obama's father's race listed as "African"? Kurt Tsue at the DOH told us that father's race and mother's race are supplied by the parents, and that "we accept what the parents self identify themselves to be." We consider it reasonable to believe that Barack Obama, Sr., would have thought of and reported himself as "African." It's certainly not the slam dunk some readers have made it out to be.

    When we asked about the security borders, which look different from some other examples of Hawaii certifications of live birth, Kurt said "The borders are generated each time a certified copy is printed. A citation located on the bottom left hand corner of the certificate indicates which date the form was revised." He also confirmed that the information in the short form birth certificate is sufficient to prove citizenship for "all reasonable purposes."

    by Jess Henig, with Joe Miller
    Sources
    United States Department of State. "Application for a U.S. Passport." Accessed 20 Aug. 2008.

    State of Hawaii Department of Health. "Request for Certified Copy of Birth Record." Accessed 20 Aug. 2008.

    Hollyfield, Amy. "Obama's Birth Certificate: Final Chapter." Politifact.com. 27 Jun. 2008.

    The Associated Press. "State declares Obama birth certificate genuine" 31 Oct 2008.

    Nakaso, Dan. "Obama's certificate of birth OK, state says; Health director issues voucher in response to 'ridiculous' barrage" Honolulu Advertiser 1 Nov 2008.

    Tuesday, April 26, 2011

    The Biggest Fat Acceptance Traitors and Sellouts

    http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Entertainment/Images/kirstie-alley-skinny-and-fat.jpg
    Real women have curves! Now that Kirstie is skinny again she is not a REAL woman!

    http://www.socalcosmetics.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/KellyOsbournePlasticSurgery.jpg 
    Now that she is skinny Kelly Osbourne is no longer a real woman!


    http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2009/galleries/celeb_weightloss/marie_osmond.jpg 
    Marie Osmond is no longer a real woman!

    http://www.bittenandbound.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/John-Goodman-weight-loss-before-and-after.jpg 
    John Goodman is no longer a real woman!
    http://www.clubweightloss.us/hp/images/stories/al-roker-before-and-after1.jpg 
    Al Roker is no longer a real woman!

    http://www.onlineusanews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Jennifer-Hudson-Weight-Loss.jpg
    Jennifer Hudson is no longer a real woman!






    http://celebrity-weight-loss.info/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/kathy_ireland-weightloss-300x225.jpg
    Kathy Ireland is no longer a real woman!
    http://ll-media.tmz.com/2009/05/12/0512_contest_winner_launch.jpg
    REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES!








    Saturday, April 23, 2011

    Seasons of the Gluttons

    I Fat Bastard love the fall. That hot sticky summer weather has passed and we fatlings are much more comfortable but what's better than that is that fall signals the beginning of the glutton season.

    http://churchillcorp.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/oktoberfest.jpg
    ZIGGY SAKKI ZIGGY SAKKI EAT EAT EAT!

    First comes Oktoberfest. More sausage gets delivered at Oktoberfest than all the Proud FA's laying dicks to the BBWs at a NAAFA convention not to mention the beer. While you won't see me Fat Bastard donning a pair of lederhosen or dancing a polka you will find me wolfing down a plate full of brats, German potato salad and a few quarts of St Paulis.

    http://sacramentoscoop.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Halloween-Candy.jpg
    Next comes gobblin time and I not just talking about ghosts and spooks or Turkey Day. I'm talking about the cornucopia of Halloween candy available to us gluttons not to mention they cider and donuts. I am talking about the bags and bags and bags of delicious candy available for pre Halloween gorging and don't forget... save some for the trick and treaters. You don't want to get your house TPed or your windows soaped.

    http://www.2beerguys.com/images/forblog/turkey_dinner.jpg
    Thinnette presents BIRDZILLA!

    Kick your seasonal gluttony in to high gear. The pilgrims and Squanto never envisioned the deliciously decadent Thanksgiving that we have today. I'd write more about it but just the thought of past Thanksgivings is making me drool all over my keyboard. It's not the turkey, it's all the trimmings! YUMMMMMMM!


    http://www.thehiltonheadnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Christmas-dinner-Hilton-Head-news.jpg
    Seasons Greedings!

    Good King Wenceslas may have looked out on the Feast of Stephen but I Fat Bastard sat down and ate the whole fucking thing. Just when you thought you couldn't take the break in celebratory gluttony any longer along comes the Yuletide Season aka Christmas -- the greediest and most gluttonous time of year. You don't have to wait until December 25th either. The eating starts long before that with X-mas parties and folks delivering goodies. The break between Thanksgiving and X-Mas is almost worth the wait. I said almost. LOL!

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    They don't call it Happy New Years for no reason. New Years means one final mega food orgy. True gluttons don't just use the X-mas leftovers because with true gluttons there won't be any. Any resolutions made regarding diet and exercise will quickly melt away on Valentines Day more quickly than that big piece of Godiva Chocolate melts in your mouth.



    http://www.savingwithshellie.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/godiva.jpg

    http://mystiqueandaura.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/WilfordBrimley.jpg
    Check your blood sugar and check it often!
    http://www.lakechamplainchocolates.com/images/Product/featured/E312001026.jpg
    HAPPY YEASTER!

    Friday, April 22, 2011

    Not Everybody Should Be Fat: Wynona Judd Needs to Lose Weight

    http://www.drdarden.com/forum_images/c3f8e-Mugshot__Wynonna-Judd.jpg
    WHAT A FUCKING TRAIN WRECK! SOMEBODY CALL CG BRADY THIS BITCH NEEDS AN INTERVENTION!


    Only the jealous angry delusional old fat acceptance girls would be shocked by anyone saying anyone let alone their tragic histrionic heroine Wynona Judd should not be fat. Well I Fat Bastard said it!! It needed to be said. Let's face it, the bitch is a total fucking embarrassment to fat girls everywhere. When ever I see this bitch I cringe. She's such a fucking asshole. Sure, fat girls are histrionic drama queens but unlike fat and pounds there is a limit to how much people can take.

    http://img.perezhilton.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/wynonna__oPt.jpg
    The bitch is simply annoying. Her fattitude lacks grace and style. Let's look at the other fat girl singers. Mama Cass Elliot had class and she was a better singer than Wynonna. Ann Wilson from Heart has class and plenty of fattitude and she too can sing better. She takes care or her voice. Then we have the Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin who is fat, sassy and classy.  Now we have the best singer of our lifetimes the plump and plucky Susan Boyle and she's lovely even though she may not have as much fat or fattitude -- who cares with a voice like that. I don't care that KD Lang is a rug muncher. That muff diving Canuk can sing her ass off and she's a pleasant.

    http://sbrownehr.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/You-cant-handle-the-truth.jpg
    SHE CAN'T HANDLE THE FAT!

    Fuck Dr Drew! This bitch needs a de fattituding. Sure, you'll say, "Fat Bastard most fat folks thrive in their obesity, diabetes, gluttony and fattitude." This is true but there is a tiny tiny tiny percentage of people who can't handle the fat. Wynonna Judd and the sick fucks at NAAFA  CAN'T HANDLE THE FAT!

    http://media.monstersandcritics.com/articles/1283645/article_images/headline_1175028252.jpg
    AHHHH!! SCARED OF YOU!


    With all her drug use and boozing Wynona's face would make a train take a dirt road. Personally I don't care about her personally but I do care about the effect she has on the perception the world has on other fat girls.

    Wynonna, I, Fat Bastard would be the last on to say this but YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT! You're making everybody sick!

    Get used to it Wynonna. Your sister Ashley Judd is hot and your mother Naomi is still a MILF but you look like hell. You used to be hot. So stop hating on your mama and sister you Shania Twain wannbe and call Jenny Craig or dare I say a weight loss surgery butcher! OR go for a walk to ore than just the fridge.











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