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Is Obesity A Choice?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

What's Your Fattitude Score? Take the Fattitude Test.

To be a true fatling you need a high FQ (Fattitude Quotient). With help from CG Brady and a few of my gluttonous friends I, Fat Bastard designed a fattitude test or FQ test. Unlike IQ which pretty much remains static your fattitude quotient or FQ can rise and fall throughout your life.

Weight loss guru CG Brady proclaims, "Lose the fattitude lose the fat." Who wants that? Other than having weight loss surgery or being in a Nazi death camp the only way to lose weight is to lose the fattitude. We at Bigger Fatter Blog we  to -- KNOW YOUR FATTITUDE! At the end of this test we will show you ways to increase your fattitude. Having an accurate measurement of your fattitude is more important than having an accurate measurement of your fat. In the case of the gainer a sober inventory of your essential fattitudes is crucial in making the gains you desire and in the case of the loser aka dieter indentifying and reducing your fattitudes is crucial for weight loss.



The Fattitude Test

This test has a series of statemnts that will measure your fattitude quotient. Simply respond to the staetments and tally your score. The higher your score the more fattitude you have. On a scale of 1 - 5 rate how true these statements are regarding your fattitudes. 0 = Totally False, 1 = Mostly False, 2 = Slightly True. 3 = Mostly True, 4 = Totally True, 5 = True with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Answer as honestly as you can.

1. Food is love.


2. I'd rather sit than move.


3. If there were only one channel I could receive on my TV it would be the food network.


4. Flavor means much more to me than nutrition.


5. Food is better than sex.


6. I prize tasty food above good healthy.


7. I prize food above my family.


8. Society should accomodate the special needs of fat people.


9. It is impossible to be too fat.


10. I steal food.


11. I will circle a parking lot in order to save a few steps.


12. I will use a fatty scooter at Walmart even though I don't really need one.


13. I am or am becoming to fat to wipe my butt but I don't care.


14. I don't feel guilty about getting free medical care because of my obesity.


15. Fat people are now the new Niggers.


Tally your score!

What your score means.


0 - 10 =  Little to  no fattitude. Move to Sparta and worship MeMe Roth.


10 - 20 = A shadow of fattitude. You will eat tasty food as long as it is healthy.  You still pick health and social responsibility over food but you will have a slice of birthday cake.


20 - 30 = A a loud whisper of fattitude. You did pig out once on Thanksgiving but went straight to the gym on Friday but went for pizza after that. Most of your eating is mindful but you will feast now and again.


30 - 40 =  Moderate fattitude. You often have seconds and desert. You say that you rarely eat fast food but that is not true. You still cook often but you avoid rabbit food.


40 - 50 =  Major fattitude. You go to fast food restaurants and while you eat salads you add lots of cheese and dressing. You have few meals at the dinner table and rarely use a knife fork or spoon.


50 - 60 = Uber  fattitude. You have pig outs with friends regularly and you waddle. You C-PAP machine is your best buddy.


60 - 70 = Mega fattitude. You have often polished off an entire bag of Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies. Food is your God. You really know how to throw your weight around and you do it well. Everytime you take a dump it's a tripple flusher.



70 - 75 = Ultimate fattitude. You know that vegetables are what food eats. You proudly strut or wheel your fat self around. You are large and in charge. You make Kate Harding look like a fat hater and the patients at the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic look like runts. You have reached the Belly Boy class of obesity and fattitude and you deserve a hearty BOOM SHAKKA LAKKA and a couple of pies.

How to Increase Your Fattitude


The Famous Belly Boy Burger

1. EAT! It sounds a bit simplistic but the more you eat the more you will want to eat.




2. Watch shows about food. Food shows are like porn for fat people. Seeing food and people eating while making yummy sounds increases your desire for food just as watching porn increases your desire for sex.



3. Hang out with fat people and eat with them. This is fun and you will discover new foods and new fat freinds. While it is good to eat alone it's better to eat with other fatlings. Fattitude is contagious.



4. Use a power chair whether you need it or not. Not only will riding in a power chair or scooter save calories it will increase your sloth. Remember, live smart not hard.



5. Know that you are entitled and get all the freebies that you can. Learning how to milk the system even before you become too fat to work will give you the skills you will need to navigate the social service maze.

Follow these five steps and before you know it you will have supersized your fattitude.

Leave your score in the comments section.

9 comments:

Peter the Eater said...

Outstanding!

Camille said...

I got 27. However, I'm definitely going to start choosing the hamburger over the grilled chicken EVERY TIME I go to Red Robin from now on.

Tazchick said...

The only think I watch food network for is humor:

"Chopped" (we call it the chef torture show at out house)
4 chefs that think they're hot have to use baskets of ingredients that go together so badly, it's practically sadistic, like liverwurst, gingersnaps, and starfruit. They whine,complain, and come up with stuff you wouldn't want to eat in a million years. Why do I love this show? Hub's worked for some real creeps that treated the non-chefs like dirt.

BELLY BOY said...

Name: Belly Boy
Fattitude Score: 70

I would have gotten a 75, but I don't steal food and I WOULD need at least 2 fatty scooters at Wal-Mart, but the question says "even though I don't need one." I do grab extra food that is meant for other people who live with me, so, yeah, I got that going for me.

In order to chow down properly, it is also important to focus on the task at hand. True gluttons focus heavily on two things when they eat: mouth feel, and smell. Flavor is important but it's a distant third to the all-important mouth feel.

Eat quickly, because your body takes about 20 minutes to try to say that you are full. However by routinely going beyond this point you can train your body to reject it and build up an immunity - this allows you to eat far more.

I am incapable of feeling full.

I stop eating only when there is no food left, or when my belly is so full that I begin to feel extreme pain as it crowds against my skin and organs.

I have almost DIED of Brain Freeze while been force-fed milkshakes by Big Lard Ass back in the day. He fed me so much ice cream so fast, it was ridiculous, but I also enjoyed it so much that I had a foodgasm.

When I see food, my eyes lock on target, and I go into the Zone, where I just focus on eating it immediately. I can down entire pizzas in minutes, and still eat more.

BOOM SHAKKA LAKKA, take this test
BOOM SHAKKA LAKKA, it's the best
BOOM SHAKKA LAKKA, focus on mouth feel
BOOM SHAKKA LAKKA, cuz it's for real!

Belly Boy waddles over to the mic stand and starts swinging it around. He javelins it at a bad guy who was trying to steal someone's food, causing him to drop the giant tray of burgers, hot dogs, fries, and sodas, which Belly Boy then catches. The grateful owner, an 85 pound 5'5" woman, graciously decides to reward her hero with all of the food, as well as some sexual activities afterwards in the dressing room.

BELLY BOY, OUT

Fat Bastard said...

Camille said...
I got 27. However, I'm definitely going to start choosing the hamburger over the grilled chicken EVERY TIME I go to Red Robin from now on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm with you Camille. Besides Red Robin's burgers beat their chicken everytime.

I like your increase in fattitude! Keep up the good work! :-)

Fat Bastard said...

@ Tazchick,

I better let the Chef respond to what you wrote. He tells me that Cheffing ain't easy.

Fat Bastard said...

@ Belly Boy,

I was sa bit surprised that you didn't score a 75 but in away I'm glad because it shows that evey the great Belly Boy has room for improvement.

Boom Shakka Lakka stealin food ain't hard.
When you have a stolen credit card.
Belly Boy needs a double scooter.
Boom Shakka Lakka and a ho from Hooters.

Fat Bastard swaps the mic for an ice cream cone, bow to a statue of Been & Jerry waddles off stage to thunderous applause.

Tazchick said...

Sure thing FB, I'm sure he's run into a few that think they're Gordon Ramsey or Anthony Bourdain himself ;-)

BELLY BOY, aka KARDIAK KID said...

HEY EVERYBODY,

I just found out about this story of a fat chick who tried to steal from Wal-Mart.

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/02/15/cops-400-pound-shoplifter-busted-when-her-motorized-cart-got-st/

OINK OINK OINK! Now that's FATTITUDE!!!

Too bad she'll probably lose down to like 350 lbs on prison food. That is one of this nation's biggest problems, prison food is very fatty and high calorie, but not fatty or high calorie ENOUGH. It needs to be at least 20,000 calories a day and it needs to be MANDATORY to eat ALL of it, that way all prisoners will become SUPER MORBIDLY OBESE and therefore less likely to commit crimes in the future since as Dr. Gerald Bear (who has a Ph.D. in Fa.T.) has revealed through his SCIENTIFIC studies, being fat makes you more docile and peaceful and therefore less likely to commit crimes.

Note that the crime rate in this country has plummeted starting in the 90s because everyone was fat. Then in 2008 its starting to increase again WHYYYY? Because too many people are unemployed and unable to afford to PIG OUT and therefore they are criminals. All the fat guys commit crimes like raiding pension funds (OINK OINK OINK!!!) and stuff like that which is illegal but if you work for a big bank ya don't get in trouble.

But the skinny ASSHOLES of the world are the ones doing violent crimes, not bustin' violent rhymes, cuz this Belly Boy is here and he is fresh outta limes, so make anotha one fast cuz an explosion from my ass, when I eat the Fiber One bars man you smell that shit-fart from Mars, I'm talkin' full on flavor, talkin' meat on the heat, I'm talkin' do me a favor, baby- SKEET SKEET SKEET!
BELLY BOY FLAVOR, UNGH
DO ME A FAVOR, UNGH
TALKIN' BELLY BOY FLAVOR
TALKIN'...
UNGH, UNGH, UNGH!
UNNNNGGGGGGHH!!

YEA, I JUST FOODGASMED.
WHAT YOU GONNA DO 'BOUT IT?
I'MMA SLAM SOME MO' INSULIN
AND TAKE ME A MOTHERFUCKING NAP,
BITCH!
THIS IS GOIN' OUT TO ALL YOU HATERS OUT THERE.
THIS IS GOIN' OUT TO ALL Y'ALL 75 POUND BITCHES WON'T GIVE BELLY BOY A HAND JOB.
THIS GOES OUT TO ALL Y'ALL SKINNY DUDES WHO AIN'T KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE A REAL MAN.
ALL Y'ALL NERDY WHITE DUDES IN YO' COMPUTA DESKS.
ALL Y'ALL THINLINGS WHO WON'T GIVE IT A REST.

I'MMA SLEEP OFF THIS MEAL, AIGHT
AND GET MY ASS TO THE MOTHAFUCKIN' OLIVE GARDEN!

BELLY BOY, OUT

OINK OINK OOOOIIINNNNNK!!

REMEMBER- WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS.
WE ARE ANIMALS!
WE ARE PIGS!
OINK OINK OIIIIIINNNNNNK!!!