Fellow fatlings, it's no secret that it's really hard for a fat guy to get laid. I, Fat Bastard look for skinny chicks with low self esteem but Big Fat Reverend Burn offers some great advice for fat guys looking to score some pussy. This is sage advice form a first rate fatlting. His techniques sound fool proof.
6 comments:
He asks people to suck on his man titties. Would you like to suck on his man titties and do you think they leak milk?
UNGH!
It's me, Belly Boy!!
Hey guys, so, I think that you, Fat Bastard, need to do a special tribute post to the great Albert Haynesworth!! He's totally fat and totally badass, and doesn't take shit from anybody.
He's so awesome that he pulled off another player's helmet, and then stomped at him - the first one missed, so he stomped again and the guy needed 30 stitches and still gets headaches from it nearly a decade later. How badass is that!? He also paralyzed another dude in a car accident, hitting a shitty car with his Ferarri going 100mph. OUTTA THA WAY SKINNY ASS!!
And he has a stripper claiming he impregnated her, and an upcoming sexual assault charge.
He got a $100m contract with the Washington Redskins but decided to get super lazy because they made him a nose tackle instead of a DT. So he'd just lay down after plays and shit like that. Totally awesome badass.
He's an inspiration to us failings everywhere, once we get a big contract, we just slack off. His contract had like $41m guaranteed, and it's better to just slack off and get that rather than bust your ass for a few more millions. Now he's with the Patriots.
OINK OINK OINK!
Belly Boy, OUT
You can't beat football and fattitude!
We need to do a story on this guy but before that we may do a story on another bad ass fat ass Roy Big Country Nelson. He's the Larry the Cable Guy of MMA. Everybody is ducking him because he is one dangerous fatling.
DO IT!
Oh, by the way, yesterday, I had the most powerful foodgasm of my life.
I was in the zone, eating Rev Lard Ass's new breakfast treat that he designed for me.
It starts with 12 Jumbo eggs, country fresh, seasoned with salt and plopped onto a pan with a delicate layer of sizzling lard, burning with anticipation. Bacon is mixed in, cooking it into the omelet base. Next, he melts his special secret cheese combo. Then, he adds a half pound of bacon, with maple syrup coating it after he fries it up and finishes it off in the oven, which is the trick to getting it to avoid curling up too much. Then some more of the cheese, including cheese-whiz this time.
He adds in some fried onions as well, and then a healthy amount of home fries on the side, using the bacon grease mixed in to get those potatoes properly flavored.
I had two pots of coffee, with buttermilk and brown sugar. I also had some fresh squeezed orange juice, thus getting my vitamins.
Of course, I then finished off with a nice t-bone steak, cooked rare.
It was the best breakfast of my life.
BELLY BOY, OUT
I have often wondered why they don't cross a chicken with an ostrich so that we can have super sized eggs.
I would love to have the Rev cook for me. There is nothing better than a foodgasm.
Boom Shakka Lakka see my belly spasm.
Boom Shakka Lakka FOODGASM!
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