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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Brave Fatling Sues White Castle and Recieves Golden Pig Award
Fat rights hero  Martin Kessman

Let's give Martin Kessman a resounding OINK! A mere pup at a svelte 290 pounds this strident oinker is standing up, well actually sitting down for fatlings everywhere by filing a lawsuit against the White Castle hamburger chain. Kessman is pissed because he loves White Castle sliders but he is too fat to fit in the booths and enjoy then so he has to send his wife to the hamburger chain to fetch him these tasty treats. Being a good fatling Kessman was not going to take this lying down. Being smart he figured if White Castle didn't have booths big enough to accommodate his big bulbous belly then they were violating the law! Way to go Martin!!

So impressed by Mr Kessman's heroic actions and fattitude NAFAM the New American Fat Acceptance Movement and NAAFA North American Association for Fat Asses has awarded Kessman the Golden Pig Award and NIFAM the New International Fat Acceptance Movement has given him the glutton of the week award.
The Prestigious Golden Pig!

Fellow fatlings; oink loud and oink proud for this brave boar!


Professor Eatmorr said...

This lad is quite the hero! White Castle has provided excellent mini-burgers, but unfortunately it also provides mini-booths that are incapable of holding the abdominal girth of even moderately sized individuals of mass.

I cannot imaging the indignity of being forced to eat STANDING UP like a second-class citizen, when the restaurant could simply provide chairs and tables. And not those swivel chairs like at some fast food places, because you can't put them side-by-side to create extra sitting room. They only swivel out a little bit. Thin people steal them so they had to bolt them down like that.

I hope that this gross violation of basic human rights is remedied post-haste! This man should be awarded treble damages for his treble sized stomach!! His award must be paid in White Castle burgers.

Oh those delicitable sliders! The meat! The ketchup, the onions, the pickles! The grease!

Indubitably, I have been struck with "The Crave" and must remove myself to the nearest purveyor of hamburgers. To the MINI-VAN! POST-HASTE!!!

Pam said...

About time we saw some justice about their child-sized tables we've had in fast food restaurants for years. They just need to build bigger fast food joints all together and have more room for tables that accomodate those of us who are TRUE fans of food.

Fat people buy most of your 'garbage', you greasy, delicious corporations! The least you can do is acknowledge the size of your main patrons!

Pam said...

Anonymous said...

sue the fat hater!

Fat Bastard said...

It's elementary professor. There are two factions at White Castle. They gluttony enablers aka the good guys and the fat haters.

The fast food places do make the chairs uncomfortable so that you will eat quickly and leave.

Eating standing up beats standing up and not eating.

I have a solution for White Castle... home delivery! OINK. I contacted McDonalds about a delivery service called McTruck. I wrote to White Castle about using a high speed burger chariot for home delivery.

Sadly where I live there are no White Castles but I have had their glorious burgers and I give them a 5 star oink. They are enticing and to a glutton they are irresistable so with that being the case White Castle should have provided fat friendly seating.

I see a huge award too.

1 million for intentional infliction of emotional damages.

1 Million for a violation of this man's civil rights.

1 Million in actual damages and 10 million in punitive damages.

What are your thoughts professor?

Fat Bastard said...

Pam, I like the way you think! Your fattitude is large and strong and your outrage is spot on. OINK!

Anonymous said...

So, is true that you are trying to lose weight? Some guy in th e tough love forum you linked to from your blog posted youtube videos claiming the person in the videos was you? or was he just trolling?

Anonymous said...

Professor Eatmorr said...

Those fast food barons do not have the class or sophistication of Colonel Sanders. The Colonel was a true Southern gentleman who understood the value of a dollar, and wanted to provide good fried chicken to a wide audience at a low price.

White Castle was one of the first burger chains, besides "White Mana" which was the first one in New Jersey. That restaurant is still in business, and they serve up sliders too. White Castle was designed to portray a healthy image, that would be clean, so it was white and they made the workers constantly clean the place. They also had an ad campaign that said that if a boy eats nothing but White Castle burgers, he would grow up to be very healthy. These are facts.

So anyway, I'm not sure what this guy's legal damages would be, so I asked my lawyer. He said the guy probably doesn't have a good case and that not being able to sit down comfortably at a restaurant is not legally actionable!! WHAT?!?! I think I need a more fat-friendly attorney, and mine weighs about 300 to 400 pounds from the look of him. Either that or we need more fat-friendly legislation, or both. As far as I'm concerned fat rights are the most important rights we need to protect.

I only do business with fat professionals. My lawyer is 300 to 400 lbs, my primary care doctor is about 400 lbs, and when I buy a car I always ask them "who is your fattest salesman?" I get in his face and SCREAM AT HIM because he wants the sale, but I tell him to SHUT UP and show me the FATTEST salesman so I can give him the sale. I take him out to lunch (on me) and haggle on the price over a nice T-bone steak. That's how you get the best deal.

My CPA had a massive coronary heart attack and died earlier this year. He was huge, and loved smoking cigars. He was the quintessential fat man, a true king among men, a wildebeest among beasts. He was XXL in a world of tiny men.

I got a new CPA, a woman this time, and she weighs a solid 3-bills. I'm going to be plowing her in short order, as she has started taking classes with me and she longs for my manly caresses. I also have a young, thin girlfriend.

I hope that this answers your questions, Corpulent Bastard! Please have some iced cream and/or frozen yogurt post-haste! And do watch some videos of the late great Chris Farley on YouTube!!

Fat Bastard said...

Anonymous said...

So, is true that you are trying to lose weight? Some guy in th e tough love forum you linked to from your blog posted youtube videos claiming the person in the videos was you? or was he just trolling?


That was after my 4th or 5th cardiac event and I got scared. I wasn't actually dieting. I had gotten a hospital infection and I was off my feed for about 6 months. I lost an undisclosed amount of weight and my actual weight right now is not being disclosed. As the leader of the new fat acceptance that number like the President's IQ is top secret and confidential.

I will say that I am at my lowest weight in history but I am more gluttonous than ever!

Fat Bastard said...


I think you need to find another lawyer. You need to find a lawyer with the girth of Belly Boy and the savvy of Teddy Bear. A good lawyer can get 10 million based on White Castle's outrageous behavior and violation of fat people's civil right.

I have contacted the ACLU on this and if they take the case it will be a HUGE win for fatlings everywhere.

This should be taken to the supreme court!

Professor Eatmorr said...

Good news! I have fired my lawyer!

I found a new one who is twice as fat, and I think he's going to work out just fine. He cannot wear a suit because they don't fit, shirt-wise, as he is an apple shaped lawyer. He wears an enormous t-shirt and is completely bald.

When I asked about the White Castle lawsuit he said he would answer, but only if I pay $1,000 first. Now that's the kind of GREED i NEED in a lawyer!!! We went to lunch at McDonalds and had a jolly good time until he sharted. At that point I quickly excused myself and left, taking my uneaten burgers along with me.

I am sorry to hear that you have had 4 or 5 cardiac events. It makes one wonder if your body was designed to be able to sustain a high weight for a long period of time. Some failings are better off being chubbylings. Or maybe sometimes a heart monitor thing with a pacemaker is needed.

Indubitably! Now it is time for my daily banging of my girlfriend!!!

Fat Bastard said...

Just like chefs the best lawyers are fat. Never trust a skinny chef and never trust a skinny lawyer. It's elementary! When it comes to court a jury will be more impressed with a fat lawyer because they know how to throw their weight around. OINK!

As I said before professor, my weight is a trade secret. After I almost died from my last heart attack and then a tumble down an airport escalator due to a diabetic coma I was put in touch with the same weight loss guru that got Kirstie Ally to de-blimp. I felt like a sell out and my best friend, Proud FA had an emotional breaking down thinking that I may become Skinny Bastard but unlike the old fat acceptance being a fat ass was not as important to be as being a glutton and since being fat is a sure sign of gluttony I was facing an identity crisis. I also was in a panic and I went off me feed and I lost a lot of weight. Then this weight loss coach began working with me and now I still enjoy food but I am no longer super, super morbidly obese. I like to keep by opponents guessing about my weight. It perpetuates the legend.

I don't bang chicks. I only bone skinny women since I an too fat to pork fat girls.

BELLY BOY said...


I had all my folds cleaned out by my new girlfriend, and she even powdered my folds with baby powder. She disinfected the fungus using some hydrogen peroxide, and massaged in between my folds with some massage oil before she then washed it with some scented soap and then rinsed it, and then put the baby powder on after drying me off.

I feel like a new man. I am living the life, in an awesome mansion, with my own butler, no responsibilities, just playing video games all day, and now getting some hot action from my Japanese girlfriend. (She is not a prostitute.)

She told me that she loves fat men, and that before she came to America she dated a famous sumo wrestler who retired, and before their wedding he had a massive stroke and died at the age of 31. She is attracted to the bulk and size, and was raised in an environment where largeness is appreciated. Once I gather more strength, then I will be able to perhaps become a sumo wrestler myself!

Also, have you guys heard about the gym "Planet Fitness"? They disallow "lunks" who are big muscular guys. They even have an alarm that sounds if you grunt while working out, and they have free pizza days and free bagel days, and tootsie rolls for free at the entrance counter. I might have to start working out there, and maybe see if I could open up my own "Planet Fatness" gaining camp!


I'm so satisfied with my Japanese girlfriend and her ability to bang me without me having to move.


Fat Bastard said...

OINKS @ Belly Boy

I think I'm turning Japanese! OINK! Japan is a very fat friendly country.

Skinny chicks rule. They can fuck in so many positions and they smell so yummy.

You really got the sweep there Belly Boy. You hit pay dirt! A Japanese chick is worth 10 American girls. They look better and they fuck better.

Robert Eat Lee said...

I shall not turn my fork against my native Virginia ham.

Fat Bastard said...

Ask not what your country can stew for you ask what you can stew for your country.

...and in the famous words of John Paul (Prudhome) Jones, "I have not yet begun to eat!"

Proud FA said...

Belly Boy,

I used to only pork fat girls but I found that they just lay there. Slender women MOVE! I like them better now.

Pig said...


Proud FA said...

Well said Pig!!!!