How Fatlings Like Trump "Reach Back There" by Fat Bastard
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| Stranded on the toilet bowl! What do you do when you're stranded and you don't have a roll? |
It is no secret that many of us fatlings have trouble reaching our butts when we need to wipe but thankfully that will not put most gluttons off their feed. If hygienic toileting is important to you then read on and you will find some valuable tips and tricks for making your trips to the brownie bowel more of a joy and less of a chore.
A good report is only as good as its research so I went to the leading authority on all things poop, The Poop Report. Just like Bigger Fatter Blog is the leading source for all things fat, the folks at The Poop Report are the leading authorities on all things poop. Let's start with the most obvious question. "How do obese people wipe?" Most people know how Criss Angel walks on water but only fatling know how fat butts get wiped but even most fatlings do not know all the methods of obese rectal hygiene.
Some fatlings (jealous fat girls of the old fat acceptance) bristle at the very idea of discussing the challenges we fatling face when it's time to do the paper work. Dropping a bowl filler can be satisfying but no job is finished until the paperwork is done.
A curious thinling asked the follow question on The Poop Report.
"Dear Poop Report,
How do obese people wipe? I am not trying to be rude...just curious. Also, do they make toilets for people over 300 pounds?"
I, Fat Bastard will answer the second question first. YES!
ECHO ECHO ECHO ECHO ECHO
Many manufactures are making super sized toilets to accommodate the larger butts, heavier weights and the greater fecal volume of fatlings. The Cadillac of super sized toilets is the Great John. This bad boy is so big that it will double as a kiddie pool.
Here is how a jealous fat girl in denial responded to the thinling's question:
Fuck you asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am 550 pounds and I resent your question. Where do you live? I will come over and sit on your face and shit, and then you can lick my ass clean!!!
I am 550 pounds and I resent your question. Where do you live? I will come over and sit on your face and shit, and then you can lick my ass clean!!!
A poop expert replied:
Judging from that fat girl's tone of voice, it sounds to me like she has a lot of trouble wiping. Hence the irritability.
Let's start with a novel and creative way many fatlings use for wiping their butts in a pubic restroom. Once again the Poop Report provides a wonderful almost zoological report on one clever fatling who uses a men's room stall like a rubbing post much like a bear uses a tree to leave his scent.
Here is a excerpt from a Poop Report undercover investigation of the fatling who used the stall and a rubbing post.
In talking to the janitors that cleaned the bathrooms at night, I learned that their nickname for Pat was "The Shitter". You see, Pat was apparently too large to wipe his own ass. Instead he used the stall wall as a rubbing post for his turd-encrusted ass. The poor janitors had to spray down the wall and scrub with disinfectant.
I never looked at Pat the same way again. I would look at him and try to imagine how his arm could reach around his girth for a good wipe. I believe that it was a physical impossibility for him to wipe.
Let's now move to an oldie but goody, the low tech but tried and true butt wand. Butt wands come in a large variety of styles, shapes sized and colors.
Called the Ample Sponge, these intrepid and robust bad boys are some of the earliest commercially available butt wands. This style butt wand was invented by NAAFA's founder and owner of Ample Stuff the great Bill Fabrey. Bill had the correct vision for fat acceptance which was based on the accommodation of gluttony and obesity and not denial of its challenges.
Another contender in the growing but competitive butt wand market is the Bottom Buddy. Unlike the ample sponge, the Bottom Buddy uses standard toilet paper that can be easily inserted into the tulip shaped head.
Bottom Buddies come in all sizes. It's too bad the late Billy Mays is not around to pitch these handy helpers in his famous infomercials. I can hear him now, "It's not clean until it's Bottom Buddy clean!"
A variation of the kid's toy the Super Soaker, the battery powered portable bidet is a favorite of NAAFA fat girls and other fat girls from coast to coast. When you see a fat girl and you think her super sized purse is only for food and the food she takes from the all you can eat buffets, think again. The modern fat girl has given up the Zip Lock bag, sponge and bottle brush long ago and traded it in for the stylish and high tech portable bidet. Another contender in the growing but competitive butt wand market is the Bottom Buddy. Unlike the ample sponge, the Bottom Buddy uses standard toilet paper that can be easily inserted into the tulip shaped head.
Bottom Buddies come in all sizes. It's too bad the late Billy Mays is not around to pitch these handy helpers in his famous infomercials. I can hear him now, "It's not clean until it's Bottom Buddy clean!"
Toilet paper, salad tongs and a turkey baster are always a winning combination and can work anywhere. If you run out of battery power or there is a black out, a squirt or two with a turkey baster and a few wipes with T.P. (for your bung hole) wrapped around a set of salad tongs and you will good to go.
Due to mobility issues the crapper can be a foreboding place for many a fatling. That's why many fatlings skip the toilet all together and head straight for the shower. Some will drop trough in the shower, scoop it up with a pooper scooper, toss it in the toilet and use the potable shower head to hose the poop out their nooks and crannies.
When it comes to the super super super obese the mystery is solved as to how they can wipe their massive butts that are for all intents and purposes a meaty massive flab tunnel in a perpetual state of collapse.
Shit eating dogs can be trained to lick clean the butts of uber fatlings. Some people are of the mistaken belief that if you own a shit eating dog you'd only have to feed it once but this is myth. I've actually made an interesting observation that may help solve this tricky dilemma. Did you notice that many super super super morbidly people own small, well-trained light brown dogs? Think about it my friend, think about it.....
That just about covers it. If any of our fatlings have other suggestions or comments please feel free to let us know your thoughts.
This has been a public service of NAFAM and Bigger Fatter Blog, the leader in fat acceptance.
17 comments:
I have always wondered and now I know.
The only reason I need an Ample Sponge is because my arms are too short. There is no such thing as being too fat!!!!!!!
Having a dog have contact with either of those two body areas is considered bestiality and in most states, it is a felony.
So when (not if) you get caught, you may find yourself in prison, having to eat prison food which would cause you to lose weight massively.
Also, for those males who do not wish to be infected with HIV, they should know that fatlings are one of the primary targets for rape in prisons. There are no condoms allowed in prison, and only two states segregate the HIV positive population from everyone else. So you should find a legal method to solve your waste problems, not rely on animals as that is sick and illegal in most US states.
@ Concerned Thinling,
Fatlings are a really a separate species. After a certain they morph into another form like a tadpole morphs into a big old bullfrog. SHERUNK!
In the case of the super super obese fatling they have too much but blubber for rectal penetration.
Poodles are great lickers and like Harpoon said when we get really fat we morph into something else. In my case I'm a lickalottapuss.
I use a pair of tongs at a toilet-paper holder and it works just fine.
I measure about 70 inches around my hips and when I sit down, my hips spread out to almost 80 inches around.
Also, my limbs are kind of short in proportion to my height, large body, short arms and short legs, so I'm built like a Teddy Bear, hence my user name in these forums.
Anyway, for me, a long pair of tongs used as a toilet-paper holder works quit well.
Two words: Baby Wipes
You'll never use dry t.p. again.
Man of Girth said...
"Two words: Baby Wipes
You'll never use dry t.p. again."
====================
I just might try them if they're not too expensive.
But I would still need to use my tongs to hold onto to them since I find it rather difficult to reach back there.
Anyway . . . . .
It doesn't bother me in the least that I have to use a long pair of tongs as a T P holder.
Actually, in enjoy the challenge of living large.
Also, my lower belly below the waist hangs down over my shrunken penis so it's physically impossible for me to have an erection, but I really don't mind that either.
I even hope that someday my butt becomes about 6 feet wide and my lower belly hangs down to my knees.
I'm looking forward to that.
All I know is, the more obese I become, the more happy and contented I feel.
"All I know is, the more obese I become, the more happy and contented I feel. "
I feel the opposite way because I had a nasty health scare. Kidneys seized up. So now I do what I gotta do.
You can get unscented baby wipes for (usually) less than a buck at the discount retail stores. Probably a wipe wrapped around a sponge-with-a-handle would work if you have problems reaching. The possible "Damn! I feel clean!" epiphany is worth the experiment.
A bidet would work great too, but then we're talking money.
Good evening Man of Girth
Sorry to hear about your health problems.
Although I'm a glutton, I don't eat a lot of junk foods.
I like to get a variety of vegetables and fresh fruits with my meals and I eat mostly chicken and not too much beef.
I actually prefer fish more than meat. Fish has Omega 3 fatty acids which is good for the heart and the brain.
Have your blood pressure check, because high blood pressure can cause damage to your kidneys.
Despite my obesity, being only 5 feet 6 inches tall and weighing 400 pounds, my blood pressure is normal, usually around 110/70 and my cholesterol levels are actually lower than normal around 140 and my triglycerides were only about 90 the last time I had some lab work done a few months ago.
Having an 8 ounce glass of dry red wine twice each day for men or once each day for women is good for your heart and circulation.
Or have a few glasses purple grape juice with your meals if you can't drink wine.
Also, eat lots of red grapes or purple grapes or black grapes.
There are ways to improve your health without trying to lose a lot of weight.
I'm going to be 59 years old this coming September 30, and most of my relatives lived into their 80s even though they were obese.
Some were even diabetic, yet they still lived into their 80s.
Most of them were kind of old fashion and never attempted to lose any weight.
They enjoyed their food without any feelings of guilt.
PS
Thanks for letting me know that Baby Wipes are less the a dollar at discount stores.
But I still need to use my tongs to hold them. The long plastic TP holders are rather expensive and too flexible making it hard to apply sufficient pressure while wiping.
My long metal tongs work much better and it will never break.
Yeah! I love being a great big fat-ass!!!
@TB
I -thought- I responded earlier to your last comment but I didn't. Mea cupla.
To give the entire history of my kidney problems would be a boring read, but the bottom line is that I was a prescription painkiller addict and was slowly being poisoned by a uric acid buildup in my blood (kidneys failing). I'm clean and feeling normal again.
I have a strong mistrust of the medical community because of this ordeal, who enabled me rather than helped, however I take responsibility for buying into their quack therapies and my weight gain. Right now I'm not on any meds, no diabetes (it's weird but even with the kidney problem I've never had a positive blood test for diabetes), no cholesterol issues, and my blood pressure's 120/80.
As for my personal 'no red meat' rule, which I believe has normalized by guts, I get flak from people on both sides claiming that I'm (a) a smug dietary eco-nut or (b) not enough of a smug dietary eco-nut. Oy.
Yes, I miss a lot of the foods I now abstain from (still have the occasional apple fritter though; might as well be dead if a man can't enjoy drowning an apple fritter in milk), but the alternative - getting raped my the medical community again - isn't an option for me.
@TB
Posted a long reply and the InterTubes ate it.
LONG STORY SHORT: Right now my kidneys and the rest of me are healthier than they've been in a very long time. Not on any meds either.
And I'm hungry for an apple fritter.
@ Teddy and MoGirth,
Teddy is living proof that fish is brain food. I have given Teddy the honorary title of doctor but I think he is the leading authority on fat studies.
Teddy is also, in the opinion of many the leading bariatric nutritionist. In fact, Proud FA, the dean of fedderism relies heavily on the advice of "Dr" Bear.
Long before the the Ample Sponge was invented tongs were the preferred method and I really don't think they have been improved upon. Yeah the bidet is nice but it can splash poop all over the place and when poop gets into the already yeasty twat of a fat girl the yeast infection can become like an unstoppable tide of runny cream cheese. Fat lezzies like it because they love dip and doritos but many FA's are put off by it. That is why Proud FA would get a suite with a hot tub at the NAAFA conventions. He'd have the fatlings soak in it for a while before he'd pork them.
Man, FB, I was eating New England clam chowder when I read that.
now i know my son and I wonder knowing full well a persons arms would need to be at least 4 feet long to reach unaided.
Regardless, I will never have that problem I do not enjoy the censation of being bloated after eating. Enjoy intense cardio workouts lasting at least 1.5 hours 7 days a week.
I guess eating 5000 calories a day takes dedication and religious zeal and has rewards too. Just none that I want.
I would rather die running a triathalon or having sex than a eating triple decker burger and incapable of sex.
But thats me not you.
But is can have all the food I want anytime I want.
Gluttony is good and most Americans agree.
Not all super super obese people are incapable of being penetrated. The picture of the fat guy on the bed for instance is a gay super-chub who has plenty of thin, hunky male admirers and lovers. He appeared on MTV in fact.
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