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Monday, May 23, 2011

Rev Big Lard Ass To Be Guest Preacher At Fat Bastard's Church of Gluttony!

Next Sunday, Beligod willing, The Most Reverend Big Lard Ass will be speaking to our congregation. Reverend BLA will have a very very very very special guest with him. The Rev will be chewing the fat about his pilgrimage to the the Heart Attack Grill (The Mecca of all true gluttons) and his holy crusade to Africa.

The Chef has graciously volunteered his cheffin services and Coach Gaines from the Meat Center donated 400 pounds of ground black Angus beef. Rotunda owner of the Hindenberg Bakery donated 400 Belly Buns. Bob Rollhandler from the Beer & Beverage Baron will provide the libation and munchies.  The Chef will have some ceremonial sticky green for medical purposes only. Members of the Bloat County Volunteer Fire Rescue Squad will be on hand with nitro glycerine tablets, insulin and defib machines.

Don't forget our Wednesday Nite Pancake Supper.
I Ain't Jo Mama SUCKA!


Anders said...

Which church is this going to be at??

The IHOP? Because it's shaped like a church and it's filled with fat people.

Fat Bastard said...

I HOP is sacred ground to us fatlings.

BELLY BOY said...

Oh man, what a great sermon that was!!

Isn't Reverend Big Lard Ass just inspiring the way he talks and yells and hoots and hollers? He is incredible and that is why he is able to draw such impressive crowds and keep them entertained and engaged in his sermons.

Anders, you missed a good one. You should have been there because it was an amazing event and a lot of us got laid.

And yes, I-HOP is sacred to us fat folks. I always get myself a big stack of pancakes and DROWN THAT MOTHER FUCKER in SYRUP!

I put the butter on first, of course. That's the key, you want the butter on first, and wait for it to melt before you put on the syrup, otherwise it does not melt properly. I put butter on each pancake, melt everything with the head of the pancakes, and then drown it all in syrup. I use as many of the syrup choices as they have available, and I am never shy about asking them to refill it if it's empty. That's their job, and it's part of how they earn their 12% tip.

I love the coffee at I-HOP too. I get myself humming along on a pot of coffee, eating my plate of bacon and I just focus on that while the butter melts, and then I put the syrup on, let it soak in for about 30 seconds, and then I dig in with a vengeance. I am merciless, eating and eating like there's no tomorrow. Then I get started on some more bacon, and some sausages, and a second round of pancakes. To finish off the meal, I get some more bacon and sausages.

Throughout this whole time, I am drinking loads of coffee, ensuring adequate caffeination throughout the whole process. I've usually had like 12 to 15 cups by the time I'm done with my meal, and I am wired until I get my big sugar crash from all of those delicious carbs. The syrup and pancakes are carbs.

Anyway, the carbs make me very hungry again, so I always make sure to have a very filling, fatty meal after that, and that's when I go to sleep. Between the sugar crash, and being on a full stomach, and rubbing one out, and downing some liquor, I will be able to fall asleep even though I had so much coffee.


Anders said...

But seriously, where is this church?

Fat Bastard said...

@ Belly Boy,

The Rev got me so choked up that, dare I say, I almost couldn't eat to capacity but after smelling the Chef's and Rontunda's cooking the Holy Glutton Spirit took over and I went into a feeding frenzy.

@ Anders,

The church is located in Bloat County SC in a little hamlet Gainsville.